Random Hellsing Tales
by Agent HUNK
Summary: A collection of bizarre Hellsing stories. Food fights, awkward romances, strange conversations, odd dreams, suicide missions, and utter idiocy on a massive scale. Rated T for violence, language, and stuff. OFFICIALLY THE GREATEST STORY I HAVE EVER WRITTEN
1. Chapter 1

Hey everybody! This fic is going to be a collection of short stories and funny tales. It will be set in the manga-version of Hellsing. Also, thee may be the occassional appearance of my OC, but I'll keep that to a minimum unless asked otherwise. Some chapters will have 1 story, some will have 2, some might even have 3 depending on the length of the story. Lets get things started, shall we?

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**French: The Language of Love**

Seras shielder her eyes as she walked in the sunlight on her way to the shooting range. She was hoping to get in some practise before her next mission. She would have to be sharing the range with some of the Wild Geese, but she enjoyed showing off to them. And it was fun to see them freak out about her strength, since no human could carry a rifle the size of a car on their shoulder like she was doing at this very moment. As she walked towards the shooting range, she heard the all-too-familiar voice of Captain Pip Bernadette.

"And that, boys, is how you shoot a rifle!" he triumphantly stated to the soldiers gathered around him. Seras walked into the range and saw him holding a bolt-action sniper rifle. "Eh?" he turned around and smiled at Seras. "_Bonjour, mon ami_!" he greeted her. Seras didn't know French. She knew he said hello, but other than that, she didn't know anything. Although, there was one phrase she knew. She didn't know what it meant, but she heard it often and figured it was a way to say hello.

"_Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir_?" Seras replied with an enthusiastic smile. Dead silence followed. All of the soldiers stared at her, and Pip had a blank look on his face, his mouth hung open in a state of shock

"_Oi oi, mon cheri_!" he suddenly replied with a devilish grin. Instantly, the mercenaries broke into hysterical laughter. Seras blinked a few times, trying to figure out what he was saying "yes" to. Judging by the smile on his face, and the way he kept raising his eyebrows, it must have been something bad. Seras frowned.

"What does that mean?" she asked politely. Pip smirked and walked over to her. He whispered something in her ear, and was rewarded with a punch in the face.

"OW!" he yelled as he flew backwards and hit the ground hard, his nose bleeding profusely.

"PERVERT!" she barked. Without another word, she spun around and walked away, leaving the perverted French man bleeding in the dirt.

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Moral of the story: Don't say things if you don't know what they mean.

(No, I do not speak French. But the conversation went as follows: "Hello, my friend." "Will you please go to bed with me tonight?" "Yes, yes, my dear!" That much of French I can speak. Not much else... but I plan to learn French. Eventually.

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**Needs-A-Life King**

"Drink you're blood," her Master's voice whispered inside her head. Seras stared at the packet of medicinal blood set on her table, her stomach growling. "Drink it."

"I... I don't want to..." she replied meekly. Even though she was a vampire, she always resisted the urge to drink blood. No amount of force could make her willingly do it. It just seemed as though drinking blood would destroy all that remained of her humanity.

"Lies. You know you want to. You know you need it," Alucard taunted her. "You crave it day and night. You-"

"Don't you have anything better to do?" Seras interupted him.

"Other than making sure my fledgling doesn't starve to death? No, not really," he chuckled.

"Thanks for your concern," she laid her head down on the table.

"You're welcome," he answered back.

"I was being sarcastic. Seriously, you can't find anything better to do?" she really wanted some peace and quiet.

"Nothing comes to mind," Alucard mused.

"Go bother Walter," Seras suggested.

"He and my Master are away on a business meeting. I wasn't invited," Alucard stated sadly.

"What a shame. Go scare some soldiers," she _really_ wanted to get rid of him.

"I don't feel like it," he replied.

"Okay. Do you have a hobby? Like painting? Or making models?" she was actually curious about that.

"Are you joking? Could you imagine me making a model?" Alucard scoffed.

"Then I guess that the No Life King really needs to get a life..." Seras smirked. Several seconds of awkward silence followed.

"Police Girl... how can I 'get a life' when I'm already dead?" Alucard started to laugh. Seras sighed in defeat.

"I hate you so much..." Seras groaned.

"I know," was his reply, followed by, "Now drink your blood!"

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Moral of the story: Drink your blood, or else you'll be tortured by a bored vampire.

That's all for now! Until next time, good bye!

PS: Got a suggestion? Let me hear it! That's what reviews are for!


	2. Chapter 2

Haha, excellent. Special thanks to Delirium24 for giving me a suggestion, which I shall now put into great use!

Also, the second half of this chapter contains big spoilers. So yeah... read at your own risk.

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**Shot Down**

"Good evening, my Master," Alucard crooned as he phased through the ceiling and floated down in front of her desk. Integra didn't even bother to look up at him from her paperwork. "It's impolite to not say hello back," he informed her. She raised her eyes up at him, and gave him a death glare.

"Alucard, I'm sorry, but I'm very busy right now. Please come back at a later time if you wish to torment me," she explained to him.

"Torment you? No, no... I only wish to have a nice chat with my dear Master," Alucard placed his hands on the edge of her desk and leaned forward.

"Oh really?" Integra put down her pen and slid the papers in front of her to the side of her desk. "Chat away, then."

"Heh..." Alucard smirked. "What would you like to talk about?"

"I would like to talk about why you enjoy causing me trouble," she shot him another glare.

"I suppose it could be inferred as a way of me showing my affection for you, Master," Alucard shrugged. Integra raised an eyebrow. She had shared this conversation with him before. And thankfully, there was a loaded pistol under her desk.

"Affection?" Integra smiled.

"Yes, affection. You are my Master, after all," he smiled as well.

"Yes, I do share feeling for you as well," Integra was going to play him like a guitar.

"Really?" Alucard's smile widened.

"Yes. You are quite the pet. Very well behaved and trained," she 'complimented' him.

"Pet?" his smile fell. "Pet?"

"Yes, pet. I am your Master, so I feel love for you akin to a man and a pet dog," she enjoyed shooting him down like this.

"Eh... heh..." Alucard didn't like this turn of events.

"What other affection would you have been talking about?" Integra placed her elbows on the table and held her head in her hands.

"Oh... I'm quite sure you know what kind I am talking about," Alucard gave a mischievious grin.

"Oh. _That_ kind of affection," Integra sighed. Playing dumb was so fun.

"Yes... as previously stated, causing trouble for you is my way of showing my affection, in a sense," he told her.

"You are terrible at flirting, if that is the case," she replied in an off-hand manner.

"Terrible at flirting? Are you saying there is some way you would like for me to flirt, then?" Alucard had a devilish look in his eye.

"What? No!" Integra didn't want him to turn this around.

"You're getting nervous, Master. Are you trying to hide your feelings?" It was too late. He had turned the whole thing around on her.

"What are you carrying on about?" Integra tried to diffuse the situation before he made her look any worse.

"Why are trying to avoid the subject?" Alucard showed her a toothy grin. Integra squinted her eyes, her patience quickly eroding away.

"Alucard..." she hissed.

"Oooooh, I seem to have pushed the subject too far. This isn't helping you disprove your feelings, you know," he grinned. That was the last straw. Integra's hand shot beneath the desk, and Alucard didn't even have time to blink before a large caliber revovler was aimed at his face.

"Master... lets not get ahead of ourselves. After all... you can't kill me," he chuckled.

"But I can make you verrrrrry ugly," she smirked.

"Uh oh," Alucard realized that the gun was loaded with silver bullets.

"See you tommorrow, when your face is back in place," Integra smiled, and then pulled the trigger.

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Moral of the Story: Don't push a touchy subject, especially on somebody with a gun.

Thanks again for the idea, Delirium24.

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**Historically Accurate**

Alucard was roaming the Hellsing manor, bored out of his mind. His Master was, no suprise, away on business, and Police Girl had been sent to kill a midly weak freak. Walter was most likely free, but he knew better than to torture the Angel of Death. That left only... "Ze French pig!" Alucard smirked. He quickly used his powers to get a bead on Pip's location. He was in the lounge, watching the television. He quickly morphed into the shadows, and emerged from darkness into the Lounge. Silently, he snuck up behind Pip, who was engrossed in something on tv. Alucard was just about to grab the mercenary and scare the rudeness out of him, when suddenly the show on tv caught his attention.

"We now return to _Dracula Revealed: The Biography of Vlad Tepes_," said the announcer. Alucard froze. What was this mischief? He had seen movies about vampires before, but never a documentary about his own life. Or unlife. He wasn't sure how to define himself, at times.

"Hello, Alucard," Pip's voice jolted him back to reality. The Frenchman was looking up at him, a glare in his eye and a look of annoyance on his face.

"Hello, French pig," Alucard replied casually. He hopped over the couch and landed next to Pip, stretching out and making himself at home.

"Er..." Pip didn't expect this sort of behavior from the crazed bloodsucker.

"What is this that you are watching?" Alucard gestured towards the tv, which was hsowing a portrait of Vlad Tepes.

"Some show on Dracula. Why?" Pip raised an eyebrow. Alucard didn't bother to answer that question.

"The historical Vlad Tepes, or Vlad Dracul, is quite different from the mythical vampire Dracula, who was derived from the Romanian warlord," the narrator explained. Alucard was actually quite interested in the show, wanting to see how accurate it was.

"Er..." Pip didn't want to know why Alucard was so engrossed in the show at the moment.

"While Vlad Dracul looked something like this," a portrait of the warlord came back up on the screen, "Dracula, in most media references, is portayed as having long black hair, red eyes, razor sharp fangs, is said to dress in high class clothing of the 1800's, and almost always has no remorse for taking lives." Alucard grinned. The show was actually quite right. It was about this time that Alucard realized that Pip was staring at him. He turned to face the mercenary, who looked quite pale.

"This whole moment never happened," Alucard informed him.

"What moment? We where never here, and we saw nothing on tv," Pip stated, his voice shaking. He was obviously scared out of his mind by truth.

"Exactly," Alucard smiled. He then stood up, stretched, and walked through the nearest wall, leaving the Frenchman traumatized.

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Moral of the story: Alucard enjoys being famous.

Sorry for the spoilers, but I thought it was a funny idea. Review, and/or give me suggestions!


	3. Chapter 3

Just finished reading Volume 3 of Hellsing. All I can say is: Woah. Not for the faint of heart.

Yeah... Anyway, just a few things to point out.

For one thing, Pip has an accent. In Volume 2, he didn't. Volume 3... "Ze man talkz like zis!" Big difference... So yeah, I've been portraying him wrong, voice wise. Heh heh... oops.

Another thing to point out... Alucard is evil. I knew he was a bad person, but Volume 3 showed me that he is just plain evil. No remorse at all for anything...

Anything else? Oh, right, Fenrir. It seems folks enjoyed reading about him in my other story, so as previously mentioned, he will pop up time and time again. Buuuuut... I said this is in the manga version of Hellsing. My other story was set in the anime version. (big mistake on my part...) So... Fenrir will have to be reintroduced sooner or later. So expect chaos.

I am sorry you had to read through all of this (this is the only part you read, isn't it?). I'll cut to the chase now...

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**Stab Happy**

"Father Alexander Anderson, you are one of my best agents," Enrico Maxwell complimented the Paladin. They where sitting in his office, Anderson sipping from a cup of coffee and Maxwell standing by the window, gazing out over the streets of the Vatican.

"Thank ye, boss," Anderson replied with a kind-hearted smile.

"You have completed more missions than any other agent, even Heinkel and Yumiko _combined_," Maxwell continued to compliment him.

"Ag'in, thank ye," Anderson casually drank his coffee.

"You have killed more vampires than all of our agents combined," Maxwell was full of nice things to say today, it seemed.

"Y're awf'lly kind, boss," Anderson smiled meekly.

"In fact, I'd say you're my favorite agent," Maxwell leaned closer to the window.

"Wha' 'bout Heinkel an' Yumiko? They're yer bodyguards, 'fter all," Anderson raised an eyebrow, his smile faltering slightly.

"Well, they don't count, since they're my bodyguards. I could never choose between you three," Maxwell turned to face Anderson, a big smile on his face.

"Ah, well... thank ye, ag'in," Anderson's smile returned.

"But, there is one problem," Maxwell's smiled widened.

"Wassat?" Anderson's own smile dissappeared.

"HAVE YOU SEEN THE BILL FOR ALL THE KNIVES YOU USE?" Maxwell screamed, yanking a piece of paper out from his pocket and shoving it into the Paladin's face.

"Er..." Anderson's eyes scanned the piece of paper. "Tha's a lot o' zeroes..."

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Moral of the Story: Bayonets are expensive.

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**Smoking Kills**

Integra blew a cloud of smoke out of her mouth, savoring the sweet taste of the cigar. She always found solace in a cigar, for some reason. Not even Alucard could destroy the peace it gave her. "Greetings, Master." Or so she had thought. Integra sighed and spun her chair around to face her servant. He was leaning against a wall, with his usual goofy grin upon his face.

"Hello, Alucard," she sighed.

"Am I interupting anything?" he asked.

"No... I see you're face is back to normal," she smirked.

"Yes," Alucard scowled. "I had to walk around with only half of my head for three hours."

"Maybe next time you won't keep pushing your luck," she inhaled another draft from the cigar.

"Smoking is bad for your health," Alucard warned her.

"Hah," she laughed, "I'm more worried about you killing me than smoking being my downfall."

"Well I'm worried," Alucard replied, his voice actually filled with genuine concern.

"Alucard, I honestly believe I will be dead at the hands of a vampire a long time before the effects of smoking put me six feet under," Integra smirked, chewing on the cigar.

"I can protect you from vampires. Not from cancer," Alucard pointed at the cigar.

"You're getting on my nerves," Integra started to walk towards the desk. She threw open a drawer and reached into. She turned around to tell Alucard something, but he was gone. "Hm? I was just going to show him this..." Integra held up a doctor's report, showing her to be completely healthy despite all the cigars. "I suppose the silver bullets _were_ too much."

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Moral of the Story: Smoking kills. So does Integra.

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**Aye Aye Captain**

"Pip?" the voice of Seras Victoria awoke Pip from his mid-day nap. He was asleep on the couch in the lounge, and had a large collection of drool running down his face.

"Eh? Whozzat?" he glanced around, half-asleep.

"It's me, Pip," Seras snapped her fingers in front of his face.

"Oh... iz just you, _mon cheri_," he smiled. Seras frowned.

"No more French," she glared at him.

"But it iz ze language of my homeland. You can't just-" Pip stopped talking when Seras began to growl. "I'll shut up now."

"Pip, I have a question..." Seras informed him.

"And what iz that?" he replied.

"Pip... how did you lose your eye?" Seras asked as innocently as she could. Pip stared at her in silence.

"What?" he raised an eyebrow.

"How did you lose your eye?" she repeated.

"I don't think that zat is any of you're-" Pip froze. Seras was giving him puppy dog eyes, and was trying her best to look cute. Of course, Pip always thought she looked cute, but now that she was actually trying, his heart was breaking.

"Please?" she whimpered.

"I... I..." Pip stammered.

"He stuck his head out the window of our jeep because he likes to feel the window on his face, and he ended up smacking his face on a sign," one of Pip's mercenaries said casually as he walked through the room. Pip glared at him, and Seras looked at Pip like he was an idiot.

"A sign? I thought you got shot or something!" Seras made a gun gesture with her hand.

"Hey, I still lost my eye!" Pip pointed at the eyepatch on his face.

"But a sign?" Seras was actually trying hard not to laugh.

"You get hit by a sign going 32 kilometers per hour and see what it does to you!" Pip barked.

"Most likely, nothing..." Seras smirked as she walked out of the room.

"Grrrrr..." Pip ground his teeth together. "Jeffery, get back here!" he took off after the soldier.

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Moral of the Story: Signs can mess you up **BAD**.


	4. Chapter 4

Hm... so many ideas, so little time. Gotta start somewhere...

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**Welcome Wagon**

"We're getting a new what?" Alucard raised an eyebrow.

"Operative," Integra tossed the folder across her desk and into his lap.

"Don't we have enough operatives? Me, Walter, Police Girl, ze French Pig... what reasons are there to get more?" Alucard reasoned.

"He has some good qualities, a nice track record, and a few special skills that may come in handy. I think he'll make an excellent addition to our organization," Integra withdrew a cigar from her pocket.

"Why do I get the feeling we're going to regret this?" Alucard groaned.

"He'll be here in a few hours," Integra pointed at the clock on her office's wall. "Do try to make a good impression."

"Oh don't worry," Alucard grinned. "I will." And with that, he was gone.

A few hours later, as the sun was setting, there came a knocking at the door to the Hellsing Manor. Inside the main hall, Integra stood before the staircase, flanked on either side by Alucard and Seras. Pip was off at the shooting range, training his men as always. Walter waltzed over to the front door, and opened it. A man in full Hellsing uniform walked into the room. He had long brown hair tied into a pony tail, a savage scar on the side of his neck, and a set of bright yellow eyes. "Greetings," Integra welcomed him. "I am Sir Hellsing."

"The name's Fenrir," the new arrival smiled. About this time, everybody noticed Alucard's obvious disdain for the man. His face was full of anger, and his right eye was twitching. "What's his problem?"

"I. Hate. Werewolves!" Alucard hissed. Fenrir smirked.

"Wow, he figured it out fast. That obvious, huh? Well, I love you too, buddy. So, what would you like for me to do, Sir Hellsing?" Fenrir returned his attention to his boss.

"First of all, stay far away from Alucard until he warms up to you..." Integra looked at her servant, who was actually being held back by Seras and Walter. "Next, I want you to be well rested and ready for any missions that may come up. And finally, my office is off limits, unless you are invited. All other areas of the manor are open to you."

"Thank you for allowing me to work under your command," Fenrir smiled.

"There is no way I'm working with that thing! Get rid of him!" Alucard demaned. Integra ignored him, of course.

"I guess the old rivalry between our two kinds still exists..." Fenrir shrugged. "This will interesting..."

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Moral of the Story: Vampires and Werewolves do NOT get along.

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**French Toast**

"Mmm..." Pip inhaled the delicous arroma of the meal he was preparing in the kitchen. Nothing could compare to his homemade French Toast. Truely, it was the greatest thing his country had created. That, and the bikini, or so he had heard.

"Goooooood morning," came a voice from behind him. Pip turned around and found himself in the presence of the new recruit who had joined the night before.

"Have we met?" Pip raised an eyebrow. The recruit shook his head.

"Nope. The name's Fenrir. And you are?" the man held out a hand, expecting a handshake.

"Ze name's Pip Bernadette," Pip glanced down at the hand, not wishing to return the gesture. "What's with your eyes? Why are zey yellow?"

"I'm a werewolf," Fenrir smirked, revealing a set of fangs.

"Interesting..." Pip wasn't suprised. Everything about his employers and comrades was bizarre. How was a werewolf any worse?

"Whatcha making?" Fenrir asked Pip, looking down into the frying pan.

"Breakfast..." he didn't like the direction this was heading.

"Great, I'm starving!" Fenrir smiled.

"Uh, no. Zis is my breakfast. Not yours..." Pip replied.

"Any way I can change your mind?" he asked.

"No. Zer is nothing you can do to-" Pip was interepted by Fenrir holding up a deck of cards.

"I'll play you in poker," the Lycanthrope smiled. Pip grinned.

"Alright, if you win, you get ze toast, if I win, you make me breakfast tommorrow," Pip offered. He was a master of poker, and there was no way he could loose.

"Deal," Fenrir smirked. They shook hands, and quickly got started on their game.

"This is some good toast," Fenrir complimented a few minutes later.

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Moral of the Story: Werewolves know how to play cards. Very well.

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**PREVIEWS**

Just a couple of things to come...

**Hot Pocket of Doom**

**Debate: Werewolves vs. Vampires**

**The Better Sniper**

**Ultimate French Toast Extreme**

**Debate: Guns vs. Knives**

**Hollow Point **

**Dead Silence**

**Doctor's Excuse**

**Rock On**

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Moral of the Previews: Sit back and enjoy the ride.


	5. Chapter 5

Oh wow, this thing is really taking off! So many reviews, so many hits! Thanks alot, everybody!

And while suggestions are greatly appreciated, keep in mind that I only have up to Volume 3 of the manga. Thanks to Dalia for the idea with Rip and Shroder... Shroginer... Shrogender... Shrodenheimerlingson! (I have no idea how to his name...) Sadly, I cannot use that idea until I have seen the manga featuring them. I prefer to know who I'm writing about... I'm sure you understand.

Moving on...

Hm... let me think... oh right, here's a good one. In case you don't know, there is another Hellsing series called Hellsing: The Dawn. Its set during WW2, with a young Walter and a... different type of Alucard. He looks like a girl for some odd reason, and this little tale plays upon that confusing situation.

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**Touchy Subject**

Pip was rumaging through the rooms of certain Hellsing agents, looking for something to keep him occupied. Sure, it was rude, and he might get in trouble, but seeing the personal items of Alucard, Seras, and Walter where most likely worth it. He had just about finished searching Walter's room when he came across a photo album. He opened it up and immediatly found an old faded photograph. In the picture, two people where standing side by side. To the left was what appeared to be a young Walter, and to the right was a raven haired beauty. Pip raised an eyebrow. "I didn't expect ze old man to be able to get a girl like zat..." he mused, taking the photo and heading off to ask some questions.

"Hello, French pig," Alucard growled as Pip ran up to him, interupting his target practise at the shooting range.

"Alucard, you and Walter 'ave been friends for a long time, right?" Pip asked, hiding the picture behind his back.

"What does that matter? But yes, we have," Alucard replied, trying to figure out where this was going.

"Would you mind explaing this, then?" Pip suddenly held up the photograph. Alucard's eyes focused intently on the image, and face went blank.

"Where did you get that?" Alucard asked, reaching for the photo.

"Zat is not important!" Pip pulled the picture out of his reach. "I just want answers."

"Uh... what do you want to know?" if he could have blushed, Alucard's face would have been bright red. How did he find the photo? Who else knew? WHY had he looked like that back then?

"How did ze old dog get hooked up with a chick like zat?" Pip asked him. Alucard stared at him for several seconds.

"I... don't know. I guess they just got along?" Alucard shrugged. He relaxed slightly. There would be no awkward conversation, it seemed.

"Hm... well she sure is one hot babe," Pip smirked. Alucard's stomach dropped. On second thought, perhaps it would be an awkward conversation.

"Er... you don't say?" Alucard muttered.

"Yeah... beautiful, beautiful... she has a gorgeous face, a nice figure..." Pip surveyed the photo. Alucard was feeling a mixture of flattery and total disgust.

"Alucard, have you been going through my things?" an all-to-familiar voice suddenly spoke up. Pip and Alucard both turned to see an annoyed Walter standing before them.

"Uh oh," Alucard knew that things where about to get _very_ awkward.

"Hey Walter, who iz the girl in zis picture?" Pip shoved the photo into the old butler's face.

"Where did you get this?" Walter looked at the picture.

"That's not important. But really, where did you pick up a chick like her?" Pip questioned.

"Girl? Chick? Oh no, no, no, no..." Walter shook his head and laughed. "That's no girl. That's Alucard!"

Dead silence fell over the three of them. Walter chuckled, took the picture back, and quickly walked away, leaving the mercenary and the vampire staring at each other.

"Zis whole thing..." Pip started.

"Never happened?" Alucard finished.

"Exactly..." Pip replied, and then quickly walked away before things got wierder.

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Moral of the Story: Girly-card doesn't even begin to describe it.

Seriously, what is up with that? Why is Alucard looking like that in The Dawn? And just so you know, I was not inplying a yaoi relationship. I hate yaoi. I just thought this would be a funny idea.

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**Hot Pocket of Doom**

"Set for one minute and thirty seconds..." Fenrir read the directions aloud as he stuck the last barbeque chicken hot pocket into the microwave. It was his favorite type, and he was going to savor the flavor of the last one. As he started to microwave, he felt a gentle tapping on his shoulder. "Huh?"

"Iz zat ze last hot pocket?" Pip Bernadette asked him when he turned around.

"Yes. Let me guess, you want a rematch?" Fenrir smirked.

"Winner gets ze hot pocket," Pip suggested.

"Deal," Fenrir replied, withdrawing a deck of cards from his pocket. Pip laughed. "What's so funny?"

"Not poker. Rock-Paper-Scissors!" Pip held out his hands.

"Alright..." Fenrir chuckled. "Rock..." he held out his hands and made the appropriate sign.

"Paper..." Pip made the next sign.

"Scissors..." he made the final sign. "GO!" he yelled. Without warning, Pip sucker punched him in the jaw. "OOF!"

"ZE HOT POCKET IZ MINE!" Pip yelled as Fenrir flew backwards. He hit the microwave, adding 7 minutes to the timer just as it neared 12 seconds. Neither of them noticed this, of course.

"YOU DIRTY LIAR!" Fenrir snarled as he dove at the mercenary.

"BRING IT ON, DOGGY! I HAVE A DONE FOR YOU!" Pip roared as he lunged as well. They both collided and hit the floor, swinging fists and landing blows.

"YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THIS!" Fenrir screamed as they rolled back and forth on the floor.

"GIVE UP, YOU CANNOT WIN!" Pip taunted him, punching the other soldier in the face.

"NEVER!" Fenrir kneed Pip in the stomach. And so the fight continued on for 6 minutes and 46 seconds. As they continued to fight, the smell of smoke reached their noses.

"What iz zat?" Pip looked around, his nose bleeding profusely.

"Uh oh..." Fenrir stared up at the microwave through a black eye. The hot pocket had swollen up to a monsterous size. There where six seconds left on the timer.

"ITS GOING TO BLOW!" Pip screamed.

Five...

Four...

Three...

Two...

One...

"Uh oh..." the both said at the same time.

The microwave exploded, showering the entire kitchen in boiling hot pocket filling.

"IT BURNS!" Pip screamed.

"MY EYES!" Fenrir screamed as rolled around on the floor, blind and in agony.

The two men spent the next three days recovering from second degree burns on their faces.

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Moral of the Story: Superheated barbequed chicken can leave a big mark.


	6. Chapter 6

Lets see... what can I write about today. Oh, I have an idea...

* * *

**Debate: Vampires vs. Werewolves**

"Alright, ladies an gentlement! We have a very special show for you today!" Seras was standing in the middle of a dark room, a spotlight shining down on her. She was speaking into a microphone, trying to get the attention of the people reading this story. "Yes, we're breaking the 4th wall, folks! I'm talking to you! Sorry if you don't like Out of Character, but that's how this chapter will be!"

"Get on with it!" Integra's voice hissed from the darkness.

"Yes, sir!" she saluted. "Anyway, folks, we're having a debate! The rules are simple: Two people, one for each side, will argue to prove their point. Todays topic is... which is better? Vampires, or werewolves? Here to represent us vampires is my Master, Alucard!" she spun around and pointed in some random direction. A spotlight turned on, revealing absolutely nothing. "Er..."

"Police girl, I'm over here," her Master growled.

"Oh, right..." she laughed nervously. The spotlight shifted to the proper position, revealing the powerful vampire in red garb. He was standing silently with his arms crossed, an annoyed look on his face. "Say hello to the readers, Master!"

"Get to the point, or I will-" Alucard started to threaten her, but Seras quickly cut him off.

"Nevermind! Right, well... and representing the werewolves is the lycanthrope Fenrir Wolfsbane!" Seras pointed in the opposite direction. Another spotlight turned on, revealing Fenrir. He was sitting at a small table, playing poker with Pip.

"I fold..." Fenrir groaned, laying down the cards in his hand. Pip grabbed the money on the table between them, grinning ear to ear.

"Fenrir!" Seras yelled.

"Oh right!" he fell out of his chair in suprise.

"I'll be going now..." Pip ran out of view, his pockets bulging with newfound wealth.

"Anyway, these two are going to try to prove which species of monster is supreme!" Seras pointed back and forth at the two men.

"Monster?" Fenrir looked at her sadly. "I'm not a monster, am I?" he was on the verge of tears.

"DEAL WITH IT, YE ABOMINATION!" a heavy Irish accent boomed from the darkness.

"Er... why is he here? Nevermind..." Seras shook her head. With that, the lights went out, and everything became dark.

"Um... where'd the light go?" Fenrir's voice echoed in the abyss.

"ROUND ONE!" Seras suddenly screamed, and several spotlights lit up. The lights revealed Alucard and Fenrir sitting on opposite sides of a small table, Seras standing in front of it.

"Its about time..." Alucard groaned.

"BEGIN!" she barked, and then ran into the shadows.

"Er..." Fenrir looked at the vampire sitting in front of him.

"I'll go first... werewolves are stupid," Alucard grinned.

"Vampires suck!" Fenrir replied with a smirk.

"Yes, we do. While werewolves just rip apart whatever they want like savages..." Alucard taunted.

"Hey, it gets the job done," he shrugged.

"ROUND ONE GOES TO ALUCARD!" Seras suddenly slid out of the darkness and stopped just short of running into her Master.

"Grrr..." Fenrir growled, while Alucard smirked triumphantly.

"But now... ROUND TWO!" Again, she was out of sight.

"You can become a wolf... wow," Alucard rolled his eyes.

"Heh..." Fenrir scoffed. "And you?"

"Bats, birds, bugs..." he counted on his hand.

"So many? Can't find one that suites you, I see..." Fenrir laughed. Alucard's face went blank.

"ROUND TWO GOES TO FENRIR!" Seras seemingly appeared out of nowhere and patted him on the back.

"In your face, Captain Overbite!" he pointed at Alucard, who scowled.

"Save it for... ROUND THREE!" Once more, she dove into the darkness surrounding them.

"Ow, watch it!" somebody yelled.

"Sorry, Walter!" Seras apologized.

"Hm..." Alucard considered what to say for a few seconds.

"What's wrong? Dog got your tongue?" Fenrir scoffed.

_BOOM!_

In the blink of an eye, Alucard had pulled both of his pistol from his clothing and blown Fenrir's head clean off. "I win!" Alucard flashed a toothy grin.

"Er..." Seras tip-toed over to the decapitated lycanthrope. "Master, you killed him!"

"I win," he laughed. Seras stared at her Master for a few seconds, unsure of what to say.

"Excuse me..." Fenrir suddenly stood up, his head completely regenerated, "That was RUDE!"

"Er..." Seras looked back and forth between the two opponents. "Carry on!" she dove out of the way.

"Wow, that was fast," Alucard complimented.

"You blew my FRICKIN HEAD OFF!" Fenrir snapped.

"Does that mean I still win?" Alucard asked. His answer was not expected.

"JERK!" Fenrir dove over the table and tackled him. The two monsters rolled around for several minutes, beating the crap out of each other.

"ROUND THREE IS A TIE! THE DEBATE IS OVER!" Seras suddenly ran onto the scene.

"Huh?" Alucard and Fenrir looked up at her. "Who won, then?" the asked in unison.

"The final winner is... vampires, because I'm one!" she held up a sign with the word "Nosforatu" on it.

"That isn't fair..." Fenrir groaned.

"Too bad. You lose. I win. Deal with it," Alucard stood up and did a victory pose.

"I demand a rematch..." Fenrir grumbled as the lights faded.

* * *

Moral of the Story: Always have a neuetral judge during debates. 

Review, please!


	7. Chapter 7

Hurray, people love this story! I'm glad that you are all enjoying this. Remember... advice, suggestions, and feedback are always welcome!

* * *

**Sore Loser**

"You've got to be kidding me..." Pip groaned as he started at the television screen, his hands tightly gripping a video game controller. He had been playing some new World War 2 game for hours, and there seemed to be a problem with it. "Zis is getting annoying..."

"Aaaarghh!" his character screamed as bullets tore into him. He was playing as an Allied soldier, and some German soldier kept killing him over and over.

"Zis is getting very old!" Pip growled. The moment his character came back to life, a sniper's bullet nailed him in the forehead. It was, not suprisingly, the same German guy. "I. Am. Getting. MAD!" Pip barked.

"Yo, Jeac Pierre, what's up?" Fenrir suddenly snuck up on him.

"Grrr... my name is Pip Bernadette. Stop calling me Jeac Pierre!" Pip replied with extreme disdain.

"MY NAME IZ JEAC PIERRE, ZE ANNOYING FRENCHMAN!" Fenrir mocked him with a heavy French accent.

"Grrrrr..." Pip reached for his pistol.

"I'm just messing with you. Relax... Dude, you might want to look out for that-" Fenrir was interupted by an explosion in the game.

"Eaaaarrrggh!" Pip's character screamed as he got blasted into oblivion.

"Grenade..." Fenrir finished his sentence as Pip began to scream in French.

"_MERDE_!" he roared as he hurled the controller across the room. "AM I FIGHTING AGAINST ZE REAL HITLER OR SOMETHING? HOW CAN HE BE ZAT GOOD?"

Meanwhile, in Brazil, the leader of a long-lost Nazi military unit known as Millenium was enjoying his success at his new video game.

* * *

Moral of the Story: Never play a WW2 game against a real German soldier. 

Merde is another bad word in French. Hahah... I keep finding the most random French things, huh?

* * *

**The Better Sniper**

"Top zat," Pip smirked as he lowered the sniper rifle. Fenrir surveyed him with squinted eyes. A rivally had been growing between them, and now it was becoming a full blown competition for superiority. They where having a bit of a shooting contest. Fenrir raised his rifle and fired, hitting the target almost exactly in the same spot that Pip had hit.

"I think I just did..." he scoffed.

"I can hit further zen zat, you know..." Pip smiled.

"So can I..." Fenrir chuckled.

"But I can do it with only one eye," he pointed at his eye patch.

"Well, sniping only requires one eye," Fenrir pointed at his rifle's scope.

"I can hit zat target with only one eye and without a scope," Pip raised his rifle and removed the scope.

"Oh... a no scope shot? I bet I can, too! It's obvious that I am the better sniper," Fenrir did the same and closed one eye.

"No, I am the better sniper..." Pip replied. As they both prepared to fire at their target, the target suddenly exploded, and a deafening boom met their ears.

"WHAT WAS THAT?" they screamed in unison.

"Would you look at that? It seems that I am the BEST sniper," Seras walked over to them, her Halconnon slung over her shoulder, smoke rising from it's barrel. She swaggered off, leaving the two men with badly bruised egos.

"Yeah... well... I MAKE ZE BEST FRENCH TOAST!" Pip suddenly pointed at Fenrir.

"OH YEAH? I BET MINE IS BETTER!" Fenrir pointed back at him.

"GRRR... BRING IT ON, DOGGY!" Pip snarled.

"OUI, OUI, JEAC PIERRE!" Fenrir taunted him.

"ZAT IS IT!" Pip tackled Fenrir, and once again they began to brawl.

* * *

Moral of the Story: Seras is the best sniper in Hellsing.

I intended to make the rivalry between Fenrir and Alucard... it just turned out to be between Fenrir and Pip instead. Oh well, this is funnier to me.

* * *

**Flirting 101**

"Hello, Master," Alucard slowly morphed up through Integra's desk up to his knees, interupting her paperwork.

"Hello, Alucard," she sighed. She knew exactly where this was going.

"How are you doing today?" he asked her politely.

"Er... I'm fine, thank you. And you?" she was caught off guard by his manners.

"I am quite alright. Is there anything I can do for you, my Master?" Alucard walked out of her desk.

"No, Alucard. Not at the moment..." she wanted to know why he was acting like this.

"If you need anything, just tell me," he smiled kindly.

"Alright..." Integra was worried. He was normally trying to flirt with her through bizarre methods that failed miserably. Now he was acting... normal.

"Master, may I ask you a question?" Alucard leaned against one of the walls in her office.

"I suppose so, Alucard," she replied.

"If I am really _that_ bad at flirting, why does your heartbeat quicken whenever I act troublesome?" he grinned mischieviously. Integra frowned, and instantly reached under her desk. But before she could grab her pistol, Alucard was gone, leaving only the echoes of his laughter behind.

"I hate him so much..." she growled.

"Aw... isn't that sweet... she's in denial..." Alucard's voice taunted her.

"ALUCARD! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" she threatened.

"But I'm-" he didn't have a chance to finish his usual 'I'm-a-dead-guy' thing.

"I DON'T CARE! I WILL FIND A WAY TO KILL YOU!" she screamed. Meanwhile, Walter was standing outside her office with a tray of tea. Hearing the threats coming from inside, he reconsidered offering tea right now.

"Perhaps I should come back later. When she isn't armed..." he shrugged and walked away.

* * *

Moral of the Story: Its a love/hate relationship... mostly hate. But a little love. Somewhere...

Review this story, please!


	8. Chapter 8

I got Volume 4 of Hellsing. It's pretty good, too. Also, I now know more about Sco... Scrh... Schro... seriously, how do I spell his name? Let me check Wikipedia... Aha! Warrant Officer Schrodinger!

Good news Dalia N'Shard. You're idea will now be put to use!

* * *

**Pain in the Neck**

Schrodinger was having trouble sleeping. As always, Rip Van Winkle was singing opera. Loudly. And it was keeping him away from a cat nap that he so desperately needed. "That's it..." he groaned as he gave up on his nap and began to think of a plan.

Meanwhile, Rip Van Winkle was sitting in her room, singing opera to herself in the mirror. Being part of a secret Nazi battalion was interesting, but it was often quite boring. So she would sing to herself to pass the time. As she finished up the last few lines to one of her favorite pieces, she sensed the presence of an all too familiar person. "_Gutten tag_, Schrodinger," she greeted him.

"Good day to you as well," he smiled.

"What brings you here?" she turned to face him.

"Oh... I just wanted to comment on your singing..." he shrugged.

"Really?" her smile brightened. "Vat did you think of it? Vas it good?"

"Yeah! It was really good... at keeping me awake! I've been trying to sleep for an hour!" he laughed at her expression. Rip's smile was quickly replaced by a frown, and the flames of undying hatred burned in her eyes with the heat of a thousand suns.

"Did you just insult my singing?" she reached for her musket.

"Uh oh..." Schrodinger gulped.

_BOOM!_

Rip went back to her singing, completly ignoring the headless corpse sprawled out on her floor. After a few minutes of singing, she felt somebody tap her on the shoulder. "Oh... right..." she groaned.

"That was very rude, you know!" Schrodinger scolded her, his body showing no signs of damage.

"I forgot that you can come back... which makes no sense..." she sighed, and once again reached for her gun.

"I'll just keep coming back," he smirked.

_BOOM!_

"So be it," she chuckled as his headless corpse hit the floor. "I'll just keep singing..."

* * *

Moral of the Story: Angry Austrian vampires can give you a headache in more ways than one.

* * *

**Gutten Tag**

Seras had been sleeping peacefully in her coffin, when suddenly a knocking on her door awoke her. She yawned and threw open the lid of her coffin, and then crawled out. She assumed it was Walter with her dinner, or Pip coming to flirt with her and fail miserably. But when she opened her door, she didn't expect to see the person she saw.

"_Gutten tag_!" a smiling Nazi greeted her. Seras stared, her mouth hung open, at Schrodinger.

"Di... didn't Master blow you're head off?" she stammered.

"Yes and no..." he smiled.

"How... what... why are you here?" she asked.

"Vell... when we last met, there vas something I wanted to ask you. But due to the situation, I was unable to," he explained.

"Are you here to cause trouble?" she was inches away from killing the little bugger.

"_Nein_. I just vanted to know..." he smiled from ear to ear. "Are you currently available?"

_CRACK!_

Seras punched the Nazi in the face with enough force to turn his brains into scrambled eggs. His body flew backwards at smashed into the wall behind him, and then fell limply to the floor.

"Bloody Nazi..." she hissed. She closed the door and turned to walk back to her coffin. But the moment she took a step, there was a knock at her door. She threw it open, and found herself back in the company of the cat-boy.

"Zat was rude..." he frowned. "I only vanted to ask-"

_CRACK!_

Seras repeated her previous action and slugged him in the face. She slammed the door before his body even hit the ground. She quickly walked over to the side of the room and picked up her Halconnon. She returned to the door just as there was another knock on the door. She threw it open, revealing Schrodinger holding a boquet of flowers in his hands. "_Gutten t_- Uh oh," he suddenly found himself staring into the barrel of a large rifle.

_BOOM!_

The smouldering remains of the hybrid hit the floor, flaming flower petals fluttering all around. Seras slammed the door and let out a sigh. "That should put an end to that..." She went back to her coffin and quickly fell asleep. As soon had she begun to dream, she was awoken by a knock on the door. She flung open the coffin and jumped out, picking up her Halconnon as she went to the door. She wrenched the door open and shoved the Halconnon into the face of the person standing outside. Just as she was about to pull the trigger, she realized who was standing there. "Oh... hello, Walter!" she blushed.

"I was just bringing your breakfast," Walter stepped aside from the barrel of the large gun. He had the medicinal blood in one hand, and his other hand behind his back. "You seem a bit upset about something..."

"I guess I just had a wierd nightmare..." Seras scratched the back of her head.

"Indeed? Hm... well, enjoy your breakfast," Walter handed her the ice bucket containing the medicinal blood.

"Alright. Thank you, Walter," she started to close the door, but Walter suddenly spoke up.

"Oh, and one other thing..." Walter pulled a boquet of flowers from behind her back.

"Uh..." Seras stared at the flowers. She hoped they where from Pip. Or even Alucard. In fact, she would rather them be from Father Anderson than who she had a feeling they where from...

"From a secret admirer. There's a letter that came with it, but..." Walter handed her a note. Seras frowned upon looking at it.

It was written in German.

* * *

Moral of the Story: Schrodinger is VERY persistant.

Okay, while reading Volume 4, I saw a part where Seras and Schrodinger meet. I thought, "Hm... that would be an interesting couple..." And thus, this idea was born. Absolute idiocy, but still original and funny.

Suggestions are, as always, appreciated.


	9. Chapter 9

Er... perhaps I should point something out. Before anybody else accuses Seras of being a pedophile, I should mention that I assumed Schrodinger to be in his late teens, and thus no problems. But that brings up a valid point... how old are the characters of Hellsing?

Alucard is... 500-ish. Seras is 23, or so I heard. Integra is in her mid-twenties. Walter is 70. Anderson... I have no clue. Everybody in Millenium... I have no idea. Anybody care to fill in the blanks?

* * *

**Gutten Tag Part 2**

"What does this say?" Seras asked random people as she walked back and forth through the mansion. Nobody spoke German, it seemed. Thus the note, and any clues to the identity of her secret admirer, would remain a mystery. "Does anybody in this organization speak German?" she finally yelled in despair.

"_Gutten tag_!" a cheerful voice suddenly spoke up behind her. Still edgy from the nightmare, she spun around and punched the speaker in the face. She gasped upon realizing what she had done. "Sorry!"

"No problem..." Fenrir sighed, his nose bleeding slightly. After a few seconds, the bleeding stopped.

"What does this say?" she suddenly forced the paper into his hands.

"Er..." he read over it.

"I don't speak German, so-" Seras tried to explain, but Fenrir began to laugh.

"This isn't German," he laughed.

"Huh?" she raised an eyebrow.

"It's French!" he continued to laugh. As if by fate, Pip walked into the room, whistling a small tune to himself.

"_Bonjour_!" he greeted them. Fenrir and Seras smiled. "What?"

"Who needs a translation when you have the sender?" Fenrir smirked.

"Huh?" Pip was confused.

"Hellooooo, Pip," Seras smiled.

"Er... _bonjour_?" he was now very confused.

"Thanks for the flowers," she handed him the letter.

"Ze flowers?" Pip was now completely lost.

"Aw... isn't this cute!" Fenrir was only making things worse.

"You know... the flowers... from my secret admirer, who speaks French," Seras smiled at Pip, who instantly went pale.

"Flowers? French? Uh oh..." he gulped. He honestly had no idea what was going on. But to deny anything would put him on Seras' bad side. And that would be bad. Very bad.

"Did you send them, Pip?" she was acting very strange. Normally, she hated the Frenchman. But it seemed the possibility of him having feelings for her had sparked her interest. "Honestly?"

"Er..." Pip glanced around, searching for a way out of the situation.

"Let me see what I can figure out..." Fenrir snatched the letter back. "I know a little broken French..."

"Oh really?" Seras asked.

"Oh look! It's a poem! Something about beauty... lovely eyes..." Fenrir translated slowly. After a few seconds, his eyes widened. "Woah... yeah, I think Pip is our best bet."

"What makes you say zat?" Pip was certain this was a cruel joke.

"Who else would write a love poem with perverted comments?" Fenrir handed the letter back to Pip..

"Eh?" Pip scanned back over the poem. "Uh oh..."

"What does it say?" Seras had lost all traces of kindness in her voice.

"Um..." Fenrir whispered something in her ear. Seras blushed, and then punched Pip in the stomach. The blow sent him across the room and left him sprawled out on the floor.

"Oof... whyyyyy?" Pip asked no one in particular.

"PERVERT!" Seras barked, and then stormed off.

"Wow... you could have worded that a whole lot better, buddy..." Fenrir chuckled as he walked away.

"I don't deserve zis..." Pip sighed, not bothering to get off the ground.

Meanwhile, Alucard was downstairs laughing his undead butt off.

* * *

Moral of the Story: Alucard speaking French and writing poetry is a bad combination. 

Okay, let me sum this up for you... Seras had a nightmare about Schrodinger. It was just a dream. She got some flowers and a letter in German. But the letter was really in French. Translated, it said she was beautiful. But with less-than-decent wording. Pip got blamed, even though the real writer was in fact Alucard. The whole thing was a joke on Pip, actually. The dream just made things worse. Poor Pip!

* * *

**The Pocket of Abyss**

"Hraaaa!" Anderson roared as he wreslted with the vampire menace known as Alucard. They had both somehow run out of ammo during one of their endless battles, and had resorted to fist fighting. Seras stood on the sidelines, watching the battle with awe. Neither of them really had an advantage, nor where they losing.

"Give up!" Alucard barked as he landed a blow on Anderson's jaw.

"Never!" Anderson yelled as he kneed Alucard in the stomach.

"Hyaaaa!" Alucard lunged at Anderson. However, he tripped as he charged at the Paladin. Out of control, he stumbled into the priest, and they both fell to the ground in a jumbled heap.

"Er... tha' was not expected..." Anderson quickly got to his feet. However, Alucard was gone. "Where'd he go?"

"Master?" Seras looked around, but saw no sign of him.

"Uh oh..." Anderson quickly took off his jacket.

"What?" Seras asked.

"You know how I have can pull bayonets out of nowhere?" Anderson shrugged as he held up the jacket. "Endless storage space..."

"Oh dear..." Seras sighed.

"He must o' hit me at the right angle..." Anderson chuckled. "I'm sure he'll get out eventually..." Anderson tossed his jacket to her. "That wouldn't be fair. I'll let you hold on to him for safe keeping..."

"Er... thanks?" Seras shrugged. Anderson smiled, and then simply walked away.

Meanwhile, in some dark abyss, Alucard was floating in nothingness. Every now and then, a bayonet would drift by him. "This... sucks..." he groaned. "Alot."

* * *

Moral of the Story: Bottomless pockets rock, unless you are stuck in them. 


	10. Chapter 10

Thanks alot to "Getoutofmyface" for the age information, as well as the many readers who where kind enough to review. And the last bit about the jacket was just a random "what-if" scenario. Although, I may write a sequel... Ludifer's review actually gives me an idea... heheh...

* * *

**Talent Show**

"Moral has been low as of late," Major Montana Max scanned the paperwork in his hand. "We need some sort of idea to improve the men's attitudes." He looked at his subordinates, who where lined up in front of him. "Any ideas?"

"A shooting contest?" Rip held up her hand timidly.

"Nein," the Major shook his head. "Anything else?"

"..." the Captain shrugged.

"Zat helps..." the Major frowned.

"A talent show?" Doc suddenly spoke up. The Major grinned at that idea.

"Ja... dat is a good idea. A talent show! It shall be held tommorrow night. Hopefully, it will lift the men's spirits," the Major nodded his head.

"What have you gotten us into?" Zorin whispered to the Doctor, who ignored her.

----

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!" a uniformed soldier walked onto the stage and spoke into the microphone as he addressed the primarily male audience. "Ve have a very good show for you tonight. First up... Rip Van Winkle!" The curtains behind the soldier began to rise as he ran off the stage. Rip Van Winkle bowed as the curtain raised, and after a few seconds of silence began to sing one of her favorite operas. He lovely singing shocked and awed many of the soldiers, except for a few who didn't like opera. She mentally noted to cause them pain and misery after the show for the rest of their lives. As she neared the end of her act, she noticed a soldier sitting in the back of the audience asleep. The growled menacingly and walked of the stage, still singing. She returned a few seconds later holding her musket, but two soldiers quickly rushed on stage and talked her out of killing the idiot. She shrugged, and then finished her song. The audience burst into applause.

"Dunke, dunke!" she bowed, thanking her fans. After a few minutes of enjoying the spotlight, the curtain fell down in front of her, and the soldier from earlier returned.

"Alright, folks. Next up... the Captain!" the soldier quickly ran off the stage. The curtain rose, revealing the coat clad bodyguard. He stared at the crowd, who stared back at him. After a few seconds of silence, he suddenly began to make strange handsigns.

"Oh great... he's a mime..." one soldier groaned. Sure enough, the Captain was acting like he was trapped in a box. Soon the crowd began to boo at him, and he replied by pulling a calendar out of his jacket. He pointed to what day it was: the night of the full moon. Instantly, all booing ceased. The Captain then finished his routine, and the curtains full without much hesitation.

"Vell that was different..." the soldier walked back on stage, noting the growling coming from behind the curtain. "But it vas good! Very good! Eheh..." he chuckled nervously. "Next up... Shrodinger!" Again, the curtains rose and the soldier ran.

"Guten tag!" Schrodinger waved at the people in front of him. He walked over to the corner of the stage and grabbed the corner of the curtains hanging down. "Hm..." He stuck his head behind the curtain and away from the audience's view. Instantly, his head appeared from behind the opposite curtains across the stage. "Guten tag!"

"Wow!" several soldiers clapped. Schrodinger then walked completely behind the curtain, and appeared from behind the other one. He bowed, and the audience applauded. The curtains fell, and the soldier returned.

"Okay... that was interesting. Next up... Doc, on the piano!" the soldier ran off the stage as the curtain rose. Doc was seated at a grand piano, and he waved at the crowd with a broad smile. He removed his gloves, revealing that he is... a polydactyl! Thus, he had six fingers on each hand, allowing him to play the piano quite well. He then proceeded to play a quick song on the piano. Upon finishing, he stood up and took a bow, and was met with a loud applause.

"Thank you!" Doc bowed repeatedly as the curtains fell.

"Well, I think that about wraps it up..." the soldier looked over the sheet of paper in his hands. "Zorin was supposed to go next, but she didn't want to make a fool out of herself. So... I guess that about raps it up! And the winner is..." the soldier turned around as the curtains rose. Rip, the Captain, Schrodinger, and Doc were lined up side by side. Rip had her rifle in her hands, the Captain was holding the calander, and Schrodinger was playing rock-paper-scissors with Doc out of boredom. Another soldier ran up and handed the soldier an envelope, and then ran off. "And the winner is..."

"Gasp!" the audience held their breath.

"Er..." the soldier realized that he was the center of attention, and the contestants who lost would all kill him without a second thought. "The winner is... the Major!" the soldier pointed at the Major, who was sitting in the front row.

"Eh?" the Major raised an eyebrow.

"Yes! The Major wins because he has the great talent of being a wonderful leader!" the soldier pointed at the Major. The audience broke into a wild applause, and the Major stood up, shrugged, and then bowed. Needless to say, nobody would dare to challenge him, so none of the contestants said a word. The soldier sighed, and then burnt the paper so that nobody would ever know who won for real. "Its better if the world never knows the truth..." the soldier muttered as he walked off the stage. "I need a vacation..."

* * *

Moral of the Story: Millinium is full of sore losers, it seems. 

And yes, Doc really does have six fingers. Didn't consider that much of a spoiler, since it serves no real purpose... found that info on Wikipedia. Along with plenty of other cool things about Hellsing. Be forewarned... Wikipedia is full of spoilers, so be careful who or what you read about.


	11. Chapter 11

Hm... Tarva has requested more Schro x Seras. No problem! And... er.. well, I'll think of something to fill out the rest of that request. Perhaps I can mix that and a few other ideas together...

* * *

**Tresspasser**

"Your orders are clear, Warrant Officer Schrodinger. Infiltrate the Hellsing base, acquire any information that we may find useful, and return here at once," the Major explained the mission to the young Nazi, who stood at attention and listened intently to his orders. "Avoid confrontation. Do not, under any circumstances, engage in combat with any of their operatives. You should focus on finding files, documents, information on weapons and tactics, and information on their members. Tactical, personal, or anything else. Just find something. "

"Yes, sir!" Schrodinger clicked his heels together and saluted.

"Excellent. Good luck. And do not fail us," the Major returned the salute and smiled.

----

"Hmmm-hm-hmm-hmmmm," Schrodinger hummed to himself as he crept through the dark corridors of the Hellsing manor. He had a decent idea of where he was going, but in reality, he was flying blind. He soon found himself outside the office of Hellsing's leader, Integra Hellsing. He placed his ear against the door and listened to the people talking inside.

"You can't deny it forever. Eventually, you will realize the truth..." said a genuinly creepy voice.

"Alucard, drop the subject," came a woman's reply, most likely Integra. Schrodinger scowled. Alucard was the vampire with the freakishly huge gun. The same vampire with the same freakishly huge gun which had blown his head off.

"Master, telling me to stop only gives me more reason to continue," Alucard informed her. The sudden sound of a gun's safety being switched off caused Schrodinger to duck. Several gunshots boomed from inside the office. Schrodinger nervously looked around, hoping that no guards came to check on the noise. None came, so Schrodinger assumed that this was common occurance. "Master..." Alucard's voice was now somber and humble.

"Yes, Alucard?" the head of Hellsing answered politely.

"That was uncalled for," the vampire complained. Another gunshot was heard. "So was that."

'Okay, this is getting wierd,' Schrodinger thought to himself as he headed off to search for more items of interest. He soon found his way to the Hellsing lounge. There was a large tv, a soda machine, and several couches strewn about the room. On top of one of the couches was something that caught Shrodinger's attention. It was a man laying on his back, a cowboy hat over his face, a long braid of hair dangling over his shoulder, and a bottle of beer in his hand. Schodinger raised an eyebrow at the sight. The sound of peaceful, if you could call it that, snoring was coming from under the hat. 'Yeah, it just got wierder...' the Nazi thought.

"Who are you?" a sleepy voice caused him to jump. Schrodinger spun around and saw a man in Hellsing uniform with short brown hair and yellow eyes. He had a plate of French toast in one hand, a can of soda in the other, and a confused look on his face. His name tag said "Fenrir", and the glazed look over his eyes showed that he had obviously stayed up late and was dead tired.

"Er..." Schodinger realized the man was barely awake. "I'm... a figment of your imagination, Fenrir! You stayed up too late, and now you're seeing things!"

"Oh..." he nodded slowly. "So why am I imagining a Nazi with cat ears?"

"Um... seen any war movies lately? Know somebody who owns a cat? Or maybe you hate Nazis? And cats, too?" Schrodinger tried to lead him on.

"I do have some major dislike for the both of them..." Fenrir yawned. It worked, obviously. "And how did you know my name?"

"I'm a part of your imagination! I know these things!" Schrodinger shrugged. "Now get some sleep!"

"Alright..." he yawned again. Without warning, he fell flat on his back, spilling soda on the floor and flinging the toast across the room.

"Hm... didn't expect THAT result..." Schrodinger scratched the back of his head.

-----

'Okay, lets see what I got...' the Nazi thought to himself as he dug through the bag of items he had taken. Several files on top secret Hellsing things, a few pictures and papers detailing the members of Hellsing, a couple of journals, and a few bullets from Alucard's pistol. He shuddered at how close he had come to a second time without a head trying to get those. As he walked through the basement, he noticed a door that he had missed. He turned the handle, and found it to be locked. He smiled at this discovery. A locked door to a room in the basement screamed "I'M FULL OF SECRET STUFF!" at him. And the fact that it was locked was no problem. He could simply teleport himself in there. (A/N: Or whatever the heck he does. I'm going with teleportation, so if I'm wrong, sorry.)

Quick as a flash, he was in the room. It was not full of secret files or hidden items. It was, instead, a bedroom. There was a dresser, a table, some chairs, and a coffin. And the owner of the room was in there, as well. Unfortunately for Schrodinger, it was the female vampire he had met during his first visit to Hellsing. Even more unfortunate was the fact that she had been changing her uniform, and only had on her under clothes. "WHAT THE BLOODY #$&?" she screamed as she dove behind her coffin.

"Oops..." Schrodinger blushed. "My mistake!" he covered his eyes. But Seras was not in a forgiving mood. She quickly grabbed her Halconner rifle from under her coffin and took aim.

It wasn't the fact that he was part of Millenium. It wasn't the fact that he was spying on Hellsing. It was because of the fact that he was a peeping tom that Seras blasted the well-trained Nazi operative into an oblivion.

-----

"Warrant Officer Schrodinger, what occured over the course of your mission?" the Major asked the young Nazi who stood before him.

"It went great. I overheard a disturbing conversation, found a drunk soldier, convinced another soldier that he was only imagining me because he hates Nazis and cats, and then had my head blown off with a freakishly huge gun _again_ for the second time in my life," he replied with a straight face and an even tone. The Major stared at him with a perplexed expression on his face.

"And... did you find out anything important? Perhaps from those events?" the Major raised an eyebrow.

"Integra Hellsing is a psycho. Alucard doesn't know when to stop pressing a subject. Their soldiers wear cowboy hats and sleep around all day drunk out of their minds. One soldier is named named Fenrir, and he is a total idiot. I also came across these..." Schrodinger held up the bag of items he had found. The bag was now sporting several bloodstains.

"Excellent. Excellent. You have done well. Anything else?" the Major gestured for the Captain to take the bag.

"Yes..." Schrodinger handed the bag to the bodyguard. "I made the mistake of walking into a room without knocking. Apparently, the female vampire who works for Hellsing enjoys her privacy. So, once again, I had my head blown off. Only his time, it was with an even _more_ freakishly huge gun!" Schrodinger made the shape of a gun with his hand. His tone showed a slight feeling of frustration at repeated decapitation. "And it was worth it..." he muttered under his breath with sly grin.

* * *

Moral of the Story: Big guns do not mix well with Schrodinger. 

Phew... that took awhile to write out, actually. I hope you all found it to be funny and entertaining. If you have any ideas or suggestions, please let me know. It should now be obvious that I will use them, of course.


	12. Chapter 12

Well, this is interesting. It seems that Schrodinger is becoming a fan favorite. I must have stumbled onto something good, I guess.

While Cap.n's idea of cat nip sounds good, I must put it on hold for the moment. I want to add a bit of variety, since too much of one thing gets old. So, back to Pip x Seras!

This was actually my first idea for this story. It just took me a long time to think up a few tid-bits of info. In fact, it's only half thought out. I make up most of my stories on the spot as I write them.

* * *

**Midnight Snack**

It was 12 o'clock in the afternoon. Alucard and Seras where asleep downstairs in their coffins. Integra and Walter where away on business. Most of the soldiers where out training and doing drills. This left only two people without anything to do: Fenrir and Pip. The two soldiers had found themselves in a state of boredom. To pass the time, they had started a game of poker in the kitchen. Despite their normal rivalry, the two seemed to be getting along quite well. For the moment, at least.

"I fold..." Fenrir groaned, laying his handfull of cards on the table between them. Pip smirked and showed his hand: Two pair. "Well, dang. Your poker face fooled me."

"I only have one eye, so I give away less hints," Pip pointed at his eyepatch. In poker, your expressions can affect the outcome of the game. The eyes are a major give-away, and without one of them, Pip had an advantage. In poker, at least.

"Hm. Well, I guess it's my turn to deal," Fenrir shrugged as he picked up the deck of cards between them and began to shuffle them. It was at this point that the door to the kitchen slowly creaked open.

"Huh? Who's there?" Pip leaned his chair back on it's hind legs so that he could see the person walking in. He was suprised to see none other than Seras Victoria standing in the doorway. "Oh, _bonjour_, Seras," Pip tipped his hat to her.

"Ungh..." she groaned. Pip realized that something was a bit amiss about her. Her eyes where only half-way open, and she was still in her pajamas.

"Um... Fenrir, is Seras alright?" Pip let his chair fall back into place, jolting him slightly in the fall.

"Hm..." Fenrir got up and walked around the table. He looked at her and placed a hand under his chin. He surveyed the vampire as she stood completely still in the doorway. "I think she's sleepwalking..."

"Sleepwalking?" Pip raised an eyebrow. "That's random. Especially for a vampire."

"Hmph..." she murmered something. "Ice... cream..." she began to walk towards the freezer.

"Ice cream?" Fenrir's eyebrows lifted upon hearing that. "I think she's one of those sleep-eaters!"

"Well, she's a vampire though. So how will she eat-" Pip was interupted by Seras grabbing him by the collar as she walked by and dragging him out of his chair.

"I... love... French vanilla..." she stated in a zombie-like tone.

"Oh crap," Fenrir saw exactly where this was going.

"_Merde_!" Pip exclaimed as she dragged him across the floor. "_Merde merde merde_!" he kicked and struggled to get away, but her grip on his shirt was unbreakable. "Help me!"

"How?" Fenrir walked over to them and waved his hand in front of Seras' eyes.

"Wake her up!" Pip suggested.

"You aren't supposed to wake people up! It messes up their minds or something! And she's a vampire, so who knows what will happen!" Fenrir explained the problem. Pip groaned. "Don't worry. I doubt she'll hurt you."

**_CREAK! SCRAPE! CRUNCH!_**

Pip and Fenrir stared, eyes wide open, as Seras ripped the kitchen sink out of the counter with her free hand. "Now that I have a bowl..." she muttered.

"OH CRAP!" the two men screamed. Pip began to kick and scream, while Fenrir grabbed onto his flailing limbs and tried to pull him away.

"_MERDE MERDE MERDE_!" Pip swore repeatedly as Seras put the sink on top of the counter and lifted him off the ground.

_**Thud.**_

Unceremoniously, Seras dropped him into the sink. The sight was quite odd to behold. The poor French man was laying with most of his body in the large sink, while his arms and legs hung limply over the edges. "Zis is bad..." he grabbed his braid off his stomach and slung it over his shoulder.

"Now... for some... chocolate... syrup..." Seras grumbled. Pip automaticly knew what she meant.

"No, no, no!" he shook his head. "Fenrir, stop her!"

"Seras!" the werewolf jumped in front of her. "Stop! You don't know what you're doing! You-" he was cut off by her hand grabbing his throat and picking him up off the ground. "Oh snap!" he squeeked.

"Get... your own... ice cream... Master..." Seras muttered in a mono-tone, her eyes barely open.

"Uh... alright, Police Girl?" he tried to mimick Alucard's creepy grin. The next thing he knew, he was being thrown across the room.

"My name... is... Seras..." she grumbled. She then continued on her way to find 'chocolate syrup'. After rumaging through the refridgerator for a few seconds, she triumphantly pulled out a packet of medicinal blood.

"_Mer... de..._" Pip groaned as she began to walk back towards her. He looked around for some way to escape. He tried to get out of the sink, but there was on problem.

He was stuck.

"I'm coming buddy!" Fenrir scrambled to his feet and ran towards him to help. But all he got in reward for his attempt to help was to be clotheslined by Seras. She stuck out her arm, catching him in the throat with her elbow and sending him sprawling to the floor. "Oof!" he grunted when he landed on his back. "You're on your own..." he croaked.

"Stay away... from my... ice cream..." Seras warned him.

"Alrighty!" Fenrir coughed.

"Seras... Seras, please!" Pip pleaded as Seras held the bag over his head. The idea of being drenched in blood did not sound good to him. "Don't do it!" he begged.

"Hm..." Seras stopped before she poured out the contents of the bag. "On... second thought..." she put it back down on the counter. "I'll eat... it... plain..."

"Phew..." Pip exhaled a sigh of relief. "Wait..." he sudenly realized what she just said. "EAT IT PLAIN?" he exclaimed. She randomly jabbed a spoon into his mouth. "Hurgh!" he grunted. "What wath tha fur?" he couldn't talk straight with the metal in his mouth.

"And... now... to go... eat..." Seras picked up the displaced sink and began to walk towards the door.

"Bye, Pip!" Fenrir waved weakly. "Good luck..."

"I hate you. So much..." Pip hissed.

"What. On. Earth." A voice suddenly spoke up. Everyone turned to see Alucard stroll into the room, a look of confusion on his face, perhaps for the first time ever. "I sensed a problem, so I came to see what was happening. It is a good thing I did."

"Seras is sleepwalking!" Fenrir pointed out the obvious.

"HELP ME!" Pip flailed his arms and legs wildly.

"Police Girl..." Alucard looked down at his still-slumbering fledgling. "Wake up!" he snapped his fingers.

"Huh?" Seras opened her eyes completely. "Where am I?"

"I don't know about you, but I'm stuck in a nightmare!" Pip waved his hands. Seras gasped and dropped the sink.

**_THUNK!_**

"OW!" he yelped when it hit the floor.

"Sorry!" she apologized.

"What about me?" Fenrir asked, still laid out on the floor.

"Oh my gosh!" she gasped again upon seeing him on the ground.

"Well, look on the bright side," Alucard flashed his trademark smile. "You came one step closer to fullfilling your vampiric desires!"

"Vampires desire ice cream?" Fenrir cocked his head to the side.

"No, they desire blood, you insolent fool," Alucard growled.

"Hey, don't make me come over there!" Fenrir barked from his spot on the floor. Seras let out a small sigh as the two monsters argued. Meanwhile, Pip simply passed out from exhaustion.

* * *

Moral of the Story: Several. **1:** Pip has bad luck. **2: **Seras will defend her ice cream to the death. **3: **Fenrir is an idiot. **4: **Don't try to make sense of anything in Hellsing, or you will fail miserably. 

And if you don't understand the title, 12 in the afternoon is probably midnight to a vampire.

Wow, this is a long chapter! I hope you all enjoyed it!


	13. Chapter 13

I, as well as a few fans, wanted to see Seras actually try to eat Pip. So here is an alternate ending.

* * *

**Midnight Snack (Alt. End)**

"What. On. Earth?" the voice of Alucard caught everyone's attention. Standing in the doorway to the kitchen was the red-clad vampire, a look of confusion on his face. For the first time in history, it seemed that something had caught him off guard. Here was his fledgling, the worthless Police Girl, about to eat the poor guy who had a crush on her.

"HELP ME!" Pip flailed his arms and legs wildly. Seras continued to walk forward in a zombie-like manner, her eyes partially closed, and a dull look on her face.

"Yo, Alucard, save the Cap'n!" Fenrir groaned from his spot on the floor.

"Hm..." Alucard considered the situation. He then smiled and walked over to Seras. "Well, Police Girl, I knew this day would come."

"Huh?" Fenrir and Pip said in unison.

"I'm glad to see you have finally given into your instincts. While it may not be the most gracefull example, I'm happy to see you've decided to drink human blood," Alucard looked down at the poor French man, who was turning pale.

"You can't be serious?" he squeeked.

"I am. For her to attain her true powers, somebody has to die. It might as well be somebody I hate," Alucard grinned evilly.

"You're mean!" Fenrir pointed a finger at Alucard weakly.

"I would have prefered you're death, but..." Alucard grumbled under his breath. "Good work Police Girl!" Alucard patted her on the head.

**_WHAM!_**

Alucard was, for the second time in his unlife, caught off guard. Seras randomly punched him in the throat, causing him to drop to his knees in shock and pain. "POLICE GIRL!" he coughed.

"Stay... away... from my... ice cream!" she growled.

**_THUNK!_**

Seras smashed the sink over Alucard's head. Alucard was sent sprawling by the force of the blow, while the ceramic structure exploded over the vampire's skull Dust, bits of stone, and a poor French idiot flew into the air. Pip landed beside Seras and began to scream in French and crawl away quickly. Alucard didn't even bother to get up. He just sat there, much like Fenrir was doing.

"She hit's hard, doesn't she?" Fenrir asked.

"Yes," Alucard replied calmly. "Much harder than expected."

"HELP MEEEE!" Pip screamed as he scrambled on all fours towards the door. He realized that Seras was not after him just as he reached the doorway. "Eh?" he turned around. Seras was standing in the center of the kitchen, wide-eyed, covered in a thin layer of white dust.

"Uh... what happened? Where am I?" she looked around the room, completely unaware of what she had nearly done.

"It's a long story..." Fenrir grumbled.

"Seras..." Pip slowly struggled to his feet, his body weak from exhaustion and stress.

"Yes, Pip?" she looked at the battered and bruised mercenary with a confused gaze.

"I'm glad you like French vanilla ice cream..." he muttered.

"Why is that?" she raised an eyebrow.

"Because French toast would have been much worse..." he smiled, and then passed out.

* * *

Moral of the Story: I scream, you scream, we all scream when Seras wants ice cream.

* * *

**SUPER FRENCH TOAST EXTREME!!!!!**

"You've got to be joking..." Fenrir stared at the werewolf. Fenrir was holding a knife and fork, and he had a large grin on his face. "No."

"Please?" the Lycanthrope asked.

"No! I am not going to share my French toast!" Pip pointed at the toast he had cooking in the frying pan. (A/N: French Toast is made by soaking bread in batter and then cooking it in a frying pan. Or so I have been told.)

"You have plenty of extra batter!" Fenrir pointed at the bowl. "Make me some!"

"_Non_!" Pip barked in French.

"Please? I'll be your best friend!" he begged.

"Make me some friggin' French toast NOW!" Fenrir growled menacingly. His reward for that was a swift slap in the face with a hot spatula. "OH SNAP, ITS HOT!" he grabbed his face and hit the floor.

"Now leave me alone, you stupid dog," Pip growled, waving the spatula in a threatening manner. Fenrir growled, and in a fit of rage, lunged forward on the floor and bit Pip's right shin. "_MERDE_!" he yelled.

"You hit me!" Fenrir jumped to his feet and scowled at Pip. Pip didn't even stop to consider that Fenrir was a werewolf capable of killing him. He simply reached out, grabbed him by the hair, and smashed his face into the bowl of batter. "HRRBLUGH!!!" the thick liquid muffled his insults.

"Stupid American!" Pip laughed as the soldier struggled to get out of the batter. He reached around the counter, and finally found something to use in order to get free. "What are you-"

**_SPLAT!_**

Fenrir had grabbed a handfull of eggs. He had slung his arm behind him, and nailed Pip in the face with them. Yolk and bits of shell flew everywhere, and Pip let go of his enemy in order to claw at his face. "IT'S IN MY EYE!" Pip screamed as he stumbled blindly around the room. Fenrir laughed at him and looked for something else to use. As he reached for a plate, Pip suddenly grabbed the frying pan off the stove.

"Woah, lets be reasonable!" Fenrir yelled as Pip turned around, super-heated kitchenware in hand. His advice was not heeded.

**_CRANG! KSSSSSSHHHHHHH!_**

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!" Fenrir howled in agony as the frying pan smacked into his right cheek. The batter on his face quickly began to cook, and the delicious smell of French toast filled the air. Fenrir jumped backwards, screaming in pain, while Pip laughed at his pain. "MY FACE! IT BURNS! YOU'RE PSYCHO!" Fenrir pointed at the mercenary. The right side of his face was now covered in a crispy brown coat of delicious batter.

"You're a werewolf, so it won't hurt for too long," Pip shrugged. The door to the kitchen suddenly opened, and Seras walked slowly into the room. She kept her back to them, paying no attention to them. "Hello, Seras," Pip waved at her. He noticed that she was dressed in her pajamas for some odd reason. He suddenly realized that it was 12 o'clock in the afternoon. "Uh oh..."

"I... smell... French... toast..." she slowly mumbled. She turned around and looked at the two men with half-closed eyes. It seemed that she was sleep walking. Again.

"French toast?" Pip asked

"French toast!?" Fenrir repeated in a panicked tone.

"French... toast..." she looked back and forth between them. Pip pointed at Fenrir, who did a double-take at Pip.

"What are you pointing at?!" Fenrir exclaimed.

"French... toast..." Seras began to shuffle towards him, arms outstretched.

"Oh, I don't think so!" Fenrir spun around and took off running. Due to the fact that there was no door, he simply dove out the kitchen window. Silence fell over the room. Pip and Seras simply stared at the broken window.

"Uh..." Pip pointed at the window.

"I think I took the joke too far..." Seras whimpered.

"Did he not realize that zis was the third floor of the manor?" Pip raised an eyebrow.

"I'm okaaaaaaay," Fenrir's weak voice echoed from down below the window.

"I don't think so," Seras shrugged.

"French toast?" Pip handed her a plate of the controversial food.

"Yes, please!" she smiled happily.

* * *

Moral of the Story: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. And falling out of windows is bad.

Okay, if you don't understand, Seras was playing a joke on them. Fenrir just went overboard in his attempt to escape...

One other thing...

It seems that J. D. Snodgrass mentioned wanting to see a certain pairing on one of the Hellsing forums on this site. So, I decided to write one for her. I must now figure out how to get that certain pairing to work out. Easier said then done, considering it is...

Integra x Enrico

Fun...

But don't worry. I have a plan, and it involves a romantic dinner and people being thrown across rooms. Hahahah...


	14. Chapter 14

First things first. Tarva, your review was awsome. You had some very good ideas, and your preview was hilarious. I will use the idea of Enrico being drunk on a later idea, since this one is already thought out. But I suggest that you take that preview and evolve it into a complete story. It was very good, and quite funny.

Cap. n suggested that I make French toast addicted ghouls. That makes three things ghouls go crazy for: Blood, panties, and French toast. Watch the OVA if you didn't understand the second thing... "Look! A police girl! Blood! Panties!" Hahaha, I loved that part...

Moving on... not much else to say. Time to see how well Enrico can get along with Integra!

* * *

**The Date From Hell**

It was a sign of the Apocolypse. That, or the world had finally gone insane. Whatever the truth was, Alucard was laughing his undead head off. The fact that his master, Integra Hellsing, had been invited out to dinner was funny. But it was the person asking her to join him that made the situation priceless. Enrico Maxwell, leader of Section XIII, and eternal enemy of Hellsing, wanted to have a nice chat with her over dinner a fancy candle-light dinner.

And she had accepted his offer.

"Are you serious?" Alucard finally took control over his laughter and stopped.

"Yes," she replied with a straight face as she walked down the hallway.

"Really... what's the catch?" Alucard asked as he followed closely behind her.

"There is not one," she replied calmly as she opened her door. She walked through the doorway, while Alucard simply phased through the wall.

"I find that hard to believe," Alucard was wearing a smug smile. Integra seemed to be paying him no serious attention.

"All he wants is for me and him to sit down and have a simple conversation," she walked over to her closet and opened the door. She began to dig through her clothes, looking for something 'lady-like' for her to wear.

"About what?" Alucard raised an eyebrow.

"I have no idea. But if he confesses some secret and undying love for me that he has kept hidden for years, I swear upon my father's grave that I will blow his dirty Italian brains out without a second thought," she promised. Alucard stared at her in silence for several seconds, and then smiled.

"I would pay all of Solomon's gold to see that," he replied.

"I'm sure you would..." she whispered under her breath. After a few seconds, she let out a sigh of frustration.

"What's wrong Master? If you are having trouble finding something to wear..." Alucard walked over to the closet and reached into it. "Allow me to help you," he pulled out a very revealing red dress and smiled.

"I honestly have no recollection of ever purchasing that abomination," Integra didn't break eye contact with the grinning vampire.

"I know. I snuck it in there," he shrugged.

"You shouldn't get on my nerves. Especially since you are to escort me," it was Integra's turn to smile.

Alucard's face fell instantly. "What?"

"And Anderson will be escorting Maxwell," Integra finally just grabbed her coat out of the closet, as well as her favorite berret hat. "This will have to do..."

------

Alucard scowled through the entire ride in the limo. He kept scowling as the walked up to the small restaraunt. His scowl deepened when they walked into the restaurant and saw that Maxwell had rented the entire building out, leaving them as the only occupants. His scowl reached a record level when he saw Maxwell waving from a table in the back of the room. And then that record was broken when he noticed Alexander Anderson standing in a shaded corner near the front of the restaurant. His face was playing host to an equally deep scowl.

"Why is he here?" Alucard growled.

"The same reason you are here. Don't cause trouble. I don't want to get chased back to my house by a knife wielding priest tonight..." Integra whispered. As the approached the table Maxwell was seated at, he waved a finger in a 'no' gesture.

"Alucard has to stand over there," Maxwell pointed to Anderson's shady corner. "So does Anderson. I don't want either of them causing trouble for us."

"You expect Alucard and Anderson to stand by each other without causing trouble?" Integra raised an eyebrow.

"I promise ta be a' angel, fer tonight at le'st," Anderson smiled kindly.

"Right..." Alucard growled as he walked over to his nemesis, "And I like to write poetry for fun..."

"Bloody idiot..." Integra rolled her eyes. She looked down at the smiling Catholic, who was gesturing towards a chair across from him at the small round table. Integra's left eye gave a slight twitch. There were candles at the table. Lit candles.

"Please, take a seat," he offered her. Integra frowned, but accapted his offer. She sat down across from him, and gave him the most hate-filled glare humanly possible.

"Good evening, Integra," Maxwell greeted her warmly.

"Hello, Enrico," she replied with a much less friendly attitude.

"I am sensing some mistrust coming from you," he folded his arms across the table and leaned forward, a smug grin on his face.

"I wonder why? Oh, right! Because you and my don't get along!" Integra growled.

"Please, not this again," he groaned. "Let's just try to get along for once."

"Why the sudden change in attitude?" Integra raised an eyebrow.

"I decided we might as well work together. We do the same thing. Kill monsters in the name of God. That's one thing we agree on, at least," he smiled.

"Yes, that is true," Integra shrugged.

"Now, if you are in the mood for a nice meal, I am willing to pay for whatever you order," he handed her a menu.

"Oh, how nice. It seems that chivalry is not dead just yet," she took the menu and scanned over it. "You're paying?"

"Yes," Maxwell realized where this was going. His wallet was most likely going to lose most of its contents.

"I think I'll wait until later to eat..." she placed the menu back down. Maxwell mentally sighed. "So, how has the weather in Italy been?"

-----

"You've got to be joking..." Alucard growled.

"Ye seem a bit agitated, vampyre," Anderson taunted him.

"I cannot believe what I am seeing," he ignored the nature of the comment.

"Tha' they're gettin' along? Ay kno'..." Anderson seemed to be annoyed as well.

"I figured she would have tackled him or something by now," Alucard leaned back against the wall.

"Or tha' we would'a caused a scene..." Anderson chuckled.

"Should we?" a mischievious grin spread across the vampire's face.

"Na'... we'll do tha' to 'em latter..." the priest smiled as well.

-----

"So..." Maxwell decided to change the subject from weather to something more... personal. "What's the deal with you and that vampire?"

"You mean Alucard?" Integra was caught off guard by the question.

"There isn't anything going on between you two... is there?" Maxwell was looking to cause trouble, no doubt.

"Don't go there..." Alucard whispered with a smirk.

"Eh?" Anderson looked over at him. "Wha' did ye say?"

"Watch..." Alucard nodded his head towards his Master.

"Hm..." Anderson decided to watch what was going on.

"I beg your pardon?" Integra's brow arched.

"You and Alucard are nearly inseperable..." Maxwell shrugged. "I'm just curious..."

"I don't see what importance that has right now," Integra growled.

"I was only curious. It didn't seem normal for the mortal enemy of all vampires to be so close to the worst one of all," Maxwell commented.

"Don't go there..." Alucard whispered again.

"Why the sudden interest?" Integra asked.

"There's not something going on between you two, is there?" he was just curious, most likely. But after all the years of Alucard's torture, any question from any person inolving her feelings for Alucard would result in disaster.

"Perhaps there is... perhaps there isn't..." Integra shrugged. "You seem intent on finding out."

"I'm just curious," Maxwell smiled.

"Ye know... I think they're gettin' along a wee bit too well..." Anderson whispered.

"I do too..." Alucard scowled.

"I hear that there is a play in town tonight," Maxwell suddenly changed the subject.

"Oh really?" Integra replied.

"Yes. Bram Stoker's _Dracula_, in fact," Maxwell informed her. "Perhaps we should go see it after this..."

"Dream on," Alucard growled.

"Touchy subject fer ye, Alucard?" Anderson obviously knew the truth about his enemy.

"I have no idea what you're talking about..." Alucard ignored him.

"No, thanks..." Integra declined the offer.

"But I already bought tickets," Maxwell withdrew two tickets from his pocket.

"Eh?" Alucard and Anderson both froze.

Integra looked at the tickets for several seconds, and then smiled. "Oh... well, in that case..." Integra thought for a second.

"Now?" Anderson looked at Alucard.

"Now!" he replied.

"The answer is-" Integra was interupted by Alucard's body smashing into the table. "ALUCARD?!"

"Hello Master!" he said quickly as he flew by. The vampire kept going across the room, taking the table with him. Anderson had apparently thrown him across the room with a large amount of force.

"WHAT IS GOING ON?!" Maxwell fell out of his chair in suprise.

"COME ON THEN, YE ABOMINATION!!!" Anderson ran between them, swords drawn, chasing after his prey.

"Perhaps we should call this off for now..." Integra suggested as she ducked beneath a chair being thrown across the room.

"Indeed..." Maxwell dodged a fork.

And so, the two leaders of the two top vampire hunting organizations were forced to cut their meeting short. They left their escorts to fight, which they did for several hours. Eventually, the restaraunt burnt down because of them, and they had to end their battle. Later on, Integra would tell Alucard that her answer was going to be "no". But, she assured him, this was because she hated Maxwell and would die a thousand deaths before dating him. But Alucard doubts the validity of her claim. He taunted her about that not being the real reason. His reward was a silver bullet in the face.

Also worth mentioning is the fact that Maxwell had to pay for the restaraunt damages. Needless to say, he was not happy.

* * *

Moral of the Story: When paying for dinner, make sure your guest doesn't destroy the place. 


	15. Chapter 15

Yes. I know. The Integra x Enrico pairing fell flat on its face. I really could have done a much better job...

Quick heads up. I will be out of town for most of Thanksgiving week. I might be able to type up a chapter or two, but don't expect much. I will have limited internet access...

Oh dear, lots of suggestions. It may take me awhile to sort them out...

We have...

Alucard sleepwalking

Alucard scaring children

More A x I

French toast addicted ghouls

Drunken Enrico

Did I miss anything? I hope not... lets see... what to choose, what to choose? I want to use a suggestion, but I also want to write another Debate. Hm... oh well, I'll go with a suggestion.

Oh, and before we start: I, AGENT HUNK, DO NOT OWN THE LEGAL RIGHTS TO HELLSING, MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL, OR ANYTHING ELSE THAT COULD GET ME SUED. That should just about do it...

This chapter will have major Monty Python and the Holy Grail references. In a strange turn of events, during the time it took me to write this, I found a Monty Python shirt while shopping. Now I have a shirt with the Black Knight on it. Huzzah!

* * *

**Sweet Toasty Goodness**

Pip Bernadette had been subjected to many nightmares before. He had dreamed of past battles, the men who's deaths weighed upon his conscience, and a few nightmares about Seras trying to kill him. But the nightmare he was going through right now took the cake. He had been robbed. Robbed of the one thing he held closest to his heart. And that item was:

French toast.

Yes, the famous food of his beloved France had been frisked away by Freaks. (A/N: Say that 7 times fast.) Ghouls, to be precise. Led by his arch-nemesis, Fenrir Wolfsbane. He didn't stop to consider how a werewolf had gotten an army of ghouls. He just wanted his beloved breakfast back. As he walked through the desolate desert of his dream, he neared the castle that Fenrir and his army had taken refuge in. Not bothering to consider the fact that one long-haired Frenchman had no chance against a Lycanthrope and several hundred zombies, he charged towards the castle.

"Uh... wassat?" a ghoul standing on top of the castle noticed something in the distance.

"Dunno!" replied the other one beside him, who was eating a cheeseburger. The two ghouls stood on top of the castle in silence, watching the poor man run through the barren wasteland towards their fortress. They watched him for several minutes, but he never seemed to get any closer.

"Hm..." one of them scratched his chin.

"Hm..." the other one took another bite into the burger. They finally got bored and turned their attention elsewhere. The moment they turned around, Pip ran up behind them and started beating the one with the cheeseburger in the back of the head with a rifle.

"Hey, that isn't very nice!" the other ghoul turned around and pointed at his now dead companion.

**_BLAM!_**

A bullet was Pip's reply. He then headed down into the castle, killing any ghoul he came across. He killed without mercy. Without hesitation. Without noticing he killed an innocent janitor. Finally, Pip found himself in the throne room. Sitting on the throne was Fenrir, the plate of French toast in his hand.

"Give me my beloved toast back!" Pip aimed his rifle at Fenrir, who laughed.

"I don't think so! My ghouls are starving, and this is exactly what they need!" he pointed at the toast.

"You monster!" Pip yelled. "Ghouls don't deserve the delicious taste!"

"I don't care! This dream needs some sort of plot twist!" Fenrir exclaimed. "Okay, ghouls, eat him so this thing can turn into a nightmare."

"Say what?" Pip raised an eyebrow.

"LOOK!" several ghouls popped out of nowhere.

"A FRENCH GUY!" several more appeared.

"BLOOD!" one jumped up in front of Pip.

"EYEPATCH!" another one leaned over his shoulder.

"_Merde_..." Pip grumbled.

And so, poor Pip's dream of rescuing his toast turned into a horrid nightmare. He fought back the endless army of ghouls, until finally he ran out of ammo and had to resort to using his bare hands. Finally, he killed them all. "Now..." Pip pulled a pistol out from behind his back. "Give me my toast!"

"Where'd you get that gun?" Fenrir picked up the plate and held it over his head.

"It is my dream, so I can bend the rules," Pip grinned.

"Oh, well... NEVER!" Fenrir barked.

**_BANG!_**

Fenrir dropped dead. Pip caught the plate of toast before it hit the ground, and laughed in triumph. "I have won! Fenrir is dead!"

"I'm not dead yet..." Fenrir grumbled.

"Say what?" Pip looked down at Fenrir.

"I'm not dead yet..." he repeated.

"Uh... but you will be soon," Pip shrugged.

"No, I don't think so..." he grumbled. "I'm feeling better."

"No you're not," Pip reloaded his pistol.

"Yes I am," Fenrir started to crawl away. "I think I'll get up and go for a walk."

"Really?" Pip checked the pistol and then walked over to the wounded werewolf.

"I feel happy! I feel happyyyy!" Fenrir tried to fake good health, despite the big hole in his chest.

"No you don't," Pip smiled.

**_BOOM!_**

Meanwhile, Seras was also sleeping downstairs in her coffin. However, she foudn her dream to be quite different as well.

"Where'd the ghouls go?" she looked around the void she was standing in. Normally she would be chased by an army of perverted ghouls. But, for some odd reason, they where gone. "Oh well..." she shrugged.

* * *

Moral of the Story: Pip loves breakfast way too much. 

The dream sequence was probably my favorite part of the OVA. It was so random, I couldn't stop laughing... and I couldn't resist the Monty Python jokes. I figured that since it was a dream, a little random fun wouldn't hurt.


	16. Chapter 16

Although there is an ever-increasing list of suggestions, I wanted to write up something while I still have time. As previously stated, I may not have much access to a computer over the next... 8 days. So yeah... just a heads up.

It's time for another debate!

* * *

**Debate: Guns vs. Knives**

"Gooooood evening, ladies and gentlemen!" Seras Victoria yelled into the microphone in her hand. Once again, she was standing in a spotlight, surrounded by stark darkness. "It looks like we're in for a good show tonight, folks! We'll be deciding which is better: guns or knives?"

"Guns!" her master's voice yelled out.

"Knives!" a familiar Irish accent was heard.

"Panzerfausts!" somebody with a German accent yelled out.

"What did the Major say?" Pip asked.

"That's a German grenade launcher from World War 2," the Major explained.

(A/N: A panzerfaust looks like a toilet plunger. It is held with the plunger part,which is a big bomb, facing forward. Once fired, the bomb flies with great force off the handle. Anything it hits is toast. Why am I telling you this? Because I can.)

"When did Millenium join this thing?" Integra's voice was heard.

"Since the writer decided to add them," Fenrir replied.

"Urgh..." Seras rolled her eyes. "EVERYBODY SHUT UP!"

Absolute silence followed. Eventually, Pip answered. "_Oui oui, mon ami_."

"Thank you..." Seras looked back at the microphone. "As I was saying before we got off topic, we're going to be discussing the best weapon! Represting guns will be..." Seras pointed to her right. A spotlight revealed Alucard, who was sitting in a chair looking quite bored. "My master, Alucard!" He gave a half-hearted wave. "And, representing knives will be..." she pointed to her left. A light came on, revealing Father Anderson, who was balancing a knife on his finger. "Father Anderson!" She coughed and muttered something under her breath, "Who I am friggin' terrified of..."

"I herd tha', lass," he growled.

"Riiiiiiiight... well, guess what time it is?" she asked him.

"What time is it?" he returned the knife to his coat.

"TIME FOR ROUND ONE!" she screamed, and then dove into the darkness.

The two opponents stared at each other for several seconds. Neither of them said a word. Finally, Alucard stood up and dusted himself off. "Guns are better than knives. End of story."

"Oh really?" Anderson raised an eyebrow.

"Yes," Alucard smirked. Without warning, he was hit by a barrage of bayonets. The wall of blades carried him backwards and into the darkness. After a few minutes, Alucard walked back into the spotlight, several bayonets still lodged in his torso. "That was cheap."

"But it counts!" Seras suddenly emerged from the shadows. "Round One goes to Father Anderson!"

"Thank ye, Draculina," Anderson smiled kindly.

"Police Girl..." Alucard growled.

"ROUND TWO!" Seras ducked beneath his hands as he tried to grab her throat. She then ran for cover in the darkness.

"Hm..." Alucard stared at Anderson.

"What are ye goin' ta do, vampyre? I've already got one point," Anderson smirked.

"Hm..." Alucard suddenly pulled out his pistols and blew off Anderson's head.

"I win!" Alucard proclaimed victory.

"Er..." Seras tip-toed back into the light. "Why do you always do that?"

"Because I get to win," Alucard shrugged.

"Well, then..." Seras looked at the dead priest. "Round Two goes to Alucard!"

"He cheated!" Enrico Maxwell cried foul from the shadows.

"He does that alot..." Fenrir grumbled.

"Be quiet!" Alucard barked.

"Right... well, now that Anderson has regrown his head," Seras pointed at the regenerated Paladin, "We can go on to ROUND THREE!"

No sooner had she gotten out of the way had the two enemies dove at each other. They grabbed each other by the throat and began to strangle their opponent. They wrestled back and forth, struggling to gain the advantage. Just when it seemed there was no way for either of them to win...

They exploded.

**_KABOOOOOOOM!!!!!!_**

"WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?!" several people screamed out. Into the spotlight strolled the Captain, a spent panzerfaust in hand. He shrugged slightly, and tossed the smoking grenade launcher over his shoulder.

"Uh..." Seras cautiously walked over to him. "I guess that you win, since the main people in this thing are currently in pieces..."

"..." the Captain stared at her.

"Congratulations?" she smiled nervously. The Captain nodded his head in a gesture of gratitude. Or at least, that is what Seras hoped it was supposed to mean. "Round Three goes to... Panzerfausts!" she yelled into the microphone.

"DAS GUT!" several German voices cheered.

"And since the other two catagories have been..." Seras looks at a piece of red fabric fluttering by, "Eliminated, the Panzerfaust team wins!" The Captain smiled and nodded his head.

"You won, Captain!" Schrodinger popped up from behind his back. The Captain raised an eyebrow. "Does he get a trophy or something?"

"Um..." Seras scratched the back of her head. "I don't think so..."

"Oh, well at least you got to blow things up!" Schrodinger told the Captain, who stared silently at him with an expression that clearly said 'go away'.

"Well, there you have it folks! In the war between guns and knives, the grenade out of nowhere always wins!" Seras exclaimed as the lights faded.

"I want a rematch!" Alucard shouted from within the darkness.

* * *

Moral of the Story: Why bother with normal weapons when you can just blow everything up? 

Actually, the panzerfaust shows up in Hellsing in later volumes. Several nazis can be seen with them... so really, my idea isn't that far-fetched.

What am I saying? Everything I write is far-fetched!

* * *

**COMING ATTRACTIONS**

A preview of things still to come:

**Let Sleeping Vampires Lie**

**Wrong Place, Wrong Time**

**Acrophobia**

**It Isn't What It Looks Like**

**One Drink Too Many**

**Thanksgiving**

**Stealthy Ninja**

**You're Fired!**

* * *

Moral of the Previews: I am insane. 


	17. Chapter 17

Wow, this has been a wierd week... The site is finally letting me write. Unfortunately, my e-mail account has been deleted. Don't know how that happened, but it just disappeared. Wierd...

Alright, folks, we have a lot of catching up to do. I wanted to do a Thanksgiving special, but I was unable to write at that time. IT would be pointless to do it now, anyway. I still have a few suggestions to fullfill, as well as quite a few ideas I cooked up lately. But first, I have a request to answer!

jj otaku has requested a story. Since I am such a nice person, I'm going to write it for them!

* * *

**Side Effects May Include...**

"Hmpff..." a young Integra sighed to herself as she sat in her bed, waiting for the thermometer in her mouth to get finished. Alucard was standing at her bedside, waiting for it to get done. He took a look at a clock on the wall, shrugged, and then plucked the instrument from her mouth. "What does it say?" she asked weakly.

"99.7 degrees..." he replied grimly. "You're sick."

"I never would have guessed that," the young girl rolled her eyes.

"You should get some rest. I'll go fetch you some medicine," he advised her.

"Why can't Walter do it?" She didn't trust him with medicine. He might have been her loyal servant, but she still didn't want him giving her the wrong medicine.

"Because Walter is off doing whatever it is that he does," Alucard smiled. "And don't worry, I won't get the wrong type of drugs."

"I hate it when he does that," Integra grumbled to herself. A pyschic vampire servant was cool, but very annoying at times.

"I am glad you think I am _cool_," Alucard grinned as he walked out of the room. Integra sighed and allowed herself to fall back into the soft pillows behind her. A few minutes later, Alucard materialized right beside her. She gasped slightly. She was still getting use to his suprise appearances. "I have your medicine for you."

"Great. Are you sure it will work?" Integra asked.

"Of course," he assured her.

"It won't kill me, will it?" she raised an eyebrow.

"You have known me for several months now, and yet you still do not trust me," he shook his head. "What can I do to prove it will help you?"

"Take one yourself," she smiled.

"Huh?" It was his turn to raise an eyebrow. "You expect me to take this in order for you to trust me?"

"Why wouldn't you?" she crossed her arms.

"Alright..." he grumbled. There was no use in arguing, even if vampires where effected differently by human medicines. He unscrewed the cap on the medicine, and popped a pill into his mouth. "There. Nothing bad happened," he smirked triumphantly.

"Not yet at least..." she replied.

"Integra," he looked her in the eyes, "I am your eternal servant. I am tied to you by powers beyong our control. I could do nothing to harm you, even if I tried. Even if I wanted to..." he smiled kindly. Integra stared back at him. She didn't say a word, and neither did he. After a few seconds, she realized that something was wrong.

"Are you alright?" she waved her hand in front of his eyes.

"Medicine effects vampires... differently..." he answered with a drowsy voice.

"Really? Then why did you take it?" she asked him.

"So you would trust me," he stumbled backwards, barely regaining his balance in time.

"Well what is wrong?" she leaned forward, worried that she had just poisoned her 'loyal' subject.

"I think..." Alucard raised a finger in the air, as if stating a fact, "I am experiencing serious side effects."

"Like what?" she raised an eyebrow.

"Colors," he replied flatly. "Many pretty colors. Everywhere. I feel... good..." he stumbled again.

"Are you bloody high?!" Integra started to laugh.

"I do believe so," he laughed as well, and then fell flat on his face.

"Oh my gosh!" she gasped.

"I'm alright," he told her, still face-down in the carpet. "I just need a second to rest."

"Well look on the bright side," she continued to laugh.

"What would that be?" He could barely muster the energy to talk, let alone look up at her.

"I'm feeling better!"Integra informed him. "Laughter really is the best medicine!"

"I hope this wears off soon..." Alucard grumbled.

* * *

Moral of the Story: Alucard would not make a good hippy.

* * *

**Trick or Treat**

"I hate Halloween!" Integra hissed to herself as she filed through paperwork. "Increased freak attacks, false-alarms, and of course..." She looked out her office window. Even in the darkness, she could see the outlines of children walking around the Hellsing grounds. "The soldier's children come to trick or treat..."

"I love Halloween," Alucard appeared beside her.

"I know!" she barked. "I know you love Halloween! I can tell by that sadistic smile on your face that you live for this holiday!"

"Are we having a bad day, my dear Master?" Alucard smirked. Integra's hand darted into her desk. Alucard was faster than her, though. He faded from existance just as she aimed her gun at his face, and all she accomplished was blowing a hole in her door.

"Grrrr..." she growled as she put the smoking pistol back in her desk. A sudden knock on her door caused her to return to look up.

"Sir Hellsing?" a timid Seras peeked through the hole in the door. "May I come in?"

"Yes, you may," Integra motioned her to enter. Seras opened the door, walked into the room, and stood in front of her desk. "What do you need?"

"I was wondering..." Seras tapped her fingers together nervously. "All of the soldiers are letting their kids run around the mansion. I am a bit worried that some of them may stumble across... things..."

"Don't worry. I have Pip guarding the armory, Walter is guarding the briefing rooms, and as for the basement..." Integra's voice trailed off.

"**_AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!" _**the screams of many children echoed through-out the entire manor.

"Master Alucard?" Seras asked weakly. Integra nodded. "I hope he doesn't scare them too badly..."

"I told him not too. And yet, every year, I have to pay for psychological evaluations for nearly every child who goes near the basement..." Intgera leaned back in her chair and sighed. "Oh well. I hate children, anyway..."

* * *

Moral of the Story: Don't let Alucard babysit. 


	18. Chapter 18

Hm... alright, readers, I need your help. I am planning to begin a new Hellsing thing pretty soon. Perhaps around Christmas... which reminds me, I need to write a Christmas special. Anyway, back to my point... I have two ideas.

**"Hellsing Radio"**

Somebody starts a pirate radio station for the Hellsing soldiers to listen to. Content includes: Music (if the rules allow), character interviews, commentary on certain (fan requested) topics by the DJ(s).

Or...

**"No-title-yet"**

A collection of OOC things. Content includes: Character interviews, Debates, little "what-if" scenarios.

Now it is up to you all to decide which one I shall do. I would do both, but working on them at the sime time would hurt the quality. So cast your vote in your reviews, please. It would reaaaaaally help me out.

Also, come check out this site's Hellsing forums! Just go to forums, anime, and then Hellsing. They are quite interesting. I heavily suggest "Midian: A Hellsing Forum". It is one of my favorites...

I need to stop ranting. You're all probably thinking "WHY WON'T HE SHUT UP!?" as your read this. Well, here you go... on with show!

* * *

**Psychological Evaluation**

Pip stretched out on the leather sofa and let out a deep sigh. The elderly psychologist sitting beside him, bespectactled and balding, took notes in a small notebook. "Good afternoon, Mr. Bernadette."

"_Bonjour_," Pip tipped his hat, which he hadn't bothered to remove before he sat down.

"I understand your boss has ordered you to come see me," the doctor stroked his grey-beared chin.

"Yep," Pip smiled, "Apparently, she thinks my line of work wreaks havok on the human brain."

"Yes, I have had many Hellsing patients," the man smiled. "So, let me ask you a few basic questions."

"Alright, Doc..." Pip shrugged.

"Do you have nightmares?" the psychologist scribbled in his notepad.

"Yes," Pip said without hesitation.

"Are you common?" the man continued to write.

"Yes," Pip replied even faster than before.

"Have you developed any specific fears? Phobias?"

"No."

"Felt depressed?"

"No."

"Thoughts of suicide?"

"No."

"Thoughts of killing your coworkers? Specifically, the vampires?"

"If you mean Alucard, yes," Pip answered. "But if you mean Seras, no. Far from it..." he smiled devilishly.

"Riiiiiight," the doctor raised an eyebrow at the last part. "Moving on... Let's discuss these dreams."

"Shoot," Pip assumed a more comfortable possition on the couch.

"What are they about?"

"Alucard trying to kill me."

"Why?"

"Because he hates me."

"Why?"

"Because I annoy him."

"Why?" the old man smiled when Pip glared at him. "Just kidding..." he flipped through his notebook. "Tell me about your coworkers."

"Starting with?" Pip sighed.

"Integra Hellsing."

"Iron-willed, disciplined, and a good leader. She has my respect, and that is hard to earn."

"Alucard?"

"I hate him. He hates me. He's pretty cocky, and thinks himself rather high-and-mighty over us humans."

"And that makes you hate him?" the old man wrote down a few things.

"Well..." Pip thought for a second. "Yeah."

"I see. Walter C. Dornez?"

"The old guy is pretty cool. I have no problems with him..."

"Seras Victoria?"

"Er..." Pip paused.

"What is wrong?" the doctor asked.

"Who is going to know what I say?"

"Well..." the doctor paused to think. "Sir Hellsing wanted to read a summery of my report. But I will leave out anything too personal."

"Oh... well in that case, she is a nice person. For a vampire..." Pip shrugged.

"Is that all?" the psychologist raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, why?"

"Just wondering..."

"What where you expecting me to say? That I'm in love with her? That even though she is a vampire, and it would be against the laws of nature, I have feelings of true love for her? That I don't care that Alucard would rip out my spine if he even _thought_ I loved her? Is that what you where expecting me to say?" Pip casually said, most likely not even realizing what came out of his mouth.

"No, I wasn't."

"And that was all an example," Pip tried to save himself.

"Of course," the doctor wrote down a few notes. "Moving on..."

"What's next?" Pip looked up at the clock on the wall.

"What are your fears?"

"Oh. The dark, death, and Alucard."

"That seems normal," the old man shrugged. "Why are you afraid of Alucard?"

"He scares me. Next topic."

"You seem to be in a hurry," the psychologist commented.

"Meh, I'm getting a bit bored."

"That is alright. We are almost done here."

"Great. What's next?"

"Tell me what you see..." the psychologist pulled a piece of paper out from under his chair. It had a large ink blot on it.

"Hm..." Pip sat up and surveyed the smeared ink.

"Well?"

"A pony," Pip smiled.

"Alright..." he didn't expect that response from a hardened soldier. "This one?" he held up a new one.

"Alucard," Pip said without hesitation.

"Alright..." he held up another one.

"Alucard wanting to hurt me," Pip replied.

"Okay," the doctor held up a fourth ink blot.

"Alucard killing me," Pip frowned.

"Moving on," the old man placed the pieces of paper on the floor. "Tell me the first word that comes to your mind."

"Alright," Pip smiled.

"Dog."

"Alucard," Pip frowned.

"Turkey."

"Sandwitch."

"Rock."

"Guitar," Pip smirked.

"Hellsing."

"Hot," Pip said. The psychologist paused momentarily, but then continued.

"Rifle."

"Seras," Pip smiled.

"Blood."

"Alucard," Pip frowned again.

"Smoke," the doctor stated.

"Integra."

"Fire."

"Gun," Pip shrugged. "How much longer?"

"Just a few more. Alucard."

"Death."

"Integra."

"Boss," Pip replied.

"Walter."

"Piano."

"Seras."

"Love," Pip answered calmly. After a few seconds, he frowned. "Oops."

"Mercenaries."

"Money," Pip was glad the doctor hadn't investigated into that slip up.

"Vampires."

"Monsters."

"Do you consider Alucard to be a monster?" the psychologist suddenly asked.

"I thought we were playing the 'I-say-something-you-think-something' game," Pip raised an eyebrow.

"Do you?"

"Yes," Pip shrugged. "Of course. He's a crazy vampire."

"Do you consider Seras to be a monster?"

"No," Pip stated flatly.

"Why?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why don't you consider her to be a monster?" the doctor asked him.

"She doesn't strike me as a monster," Pip replied. "Why so many questions about Seras?"

"I have asked about Alucard more than Seras," the old man smiled. "Touchy subject?"

Pip stared at the old man for a few seconds. "You're playing with my mind, aren't you?"

"Just trying to help you understand your own feelings," the old man smiled.

"That isn't why I am here, though," Pip frowned.

"I know," the psychologist wrote down a few more notes. "But it helps. I have found you to be in a decent state of mind. Other than your fear of Alucard and your secret love for Seras, there is nothing wrong with you."

"So are we done?" Pip stood up and dusted himself off, wanting to get out of there as fast as possible.

"Yes, I do believe so."

"Well, in that case..." Pip headed for the door. "See ya." Pip opened the door and began to walk out.

"Wait, one more thing!" the old man suddenly stood up.

"Eh?" Pip leaned his head back through the doorway.

"Don't worry. Integra wanted to see a summery of my report, but I left out your response to Hellsing," the old man smirked.

"Uh... thanks?" Pip shrugged, and then quickly headed out the door. As he walked out of the building, he froze. "How did he know I was thinking about that?!"

* * *

Moral of the Story: Psychologists are more effective when they are psychic. 

I know. It was lame. Just wanted to toy with Pip's thoughts. He's my new favorite person to mess with...


	19. Chapter 19

Plenty of reviews, but few votes. I got two votes, and they are tied. Oh well. I think I know which one I shall choose...

Lets see... what to write about today... I'm starting to run low on ideas. I think I'll take a suggestion for today. Which one... hm...

* * *

**Miscalculation**

"Warrant Officer Schrodinger," the Major addressed his loyal subordinate. "Ve have overviewed the information you brought us. It shall prove to be quite helpfull. However..." he paused, "We need more."

"You want me to go back?" Schrodinger was standing at attention, but he still raised an eyebrow.

"Is zer a problem?" the Major leaned forward in his chair.

"Oh no," he shook his head. "None at all."

"Good. You may leave when you are ready," the Major saluted him, and Schrodinger returned to action.

"I will not fail!" he chirped.

-----

Another night, another 12 hours of being bored. Alucard hated these dull "days". Nothing to do but wander the mansion aimlessly. Everyone was asleep, except for Seras. And he couldn't think of a way to use her as entertainment at the moment. "Hah... that's a first," he thought out loud. Then it hit him. He wasn't the only person walking around the manor. He could sense them. They where close. Very close... Almost close enough to-

The door next to Alucard flew open, smashing into his face with enough force to break every bone in a man's skull. But he just stood there, slightly amused at the "pain" it caused him. "Vat the?" a German-accented voice asked no one in particular. The door pulled back slightly, and a confused face poked out through the doorway. Alucard recognized the person immediatly. "UH OH!" Schrodinger gasped.

"_Guten tag_," Alucard flashed a toothy grin. With stunning speed, he reached into his coat, whipped out his Jackel pistol, and placed it against Schrodinger's forehead. "_Auf Wiedershien_."

The gunshot echoed down the hall and through the mansion. The force given off by the blast shook windows in all the surrounding rooms. It should have blown the Nazi's head into dust.

But it didn't.

"Huh?" Alucard stared at the large hole in the wall. The spy had disappeared in the blink of an eye, just as he had pulled the trigger. He stood there dumbfounded for a moment, and then heard laughter behind him. He spun around to face the source of the laughter.

"Too slow!" Schrodinger smirked. Alucard raised his pistol and pulled the trigger. Once again, however, the Nazi disappeared just as the gun fired.

"You're aim must be off today," Schrodinger waved at him from down the hall. He warped away just in time to dodge a barrage of lead.

"Tricky..." Alucard mused.

"Very tricky," a voice said from behind him. Alucard spun around just in time to catch a glimpse of Schrodinger blinking out of existance.

"Grrrrr..." Alucard growled. Then he heard the ticking noise. "Huh?" he looked down at the old-fashion German hand grenade that was laying between his feet. "Uh oh."

**_BOOM!_**

------

Schrodinger had made a miscalculation. Instead of warping into the armory, he had warped into some other place. What it was, he could not tell. All he knew was that the place was dark, and he was wrapped in some strange fabric. He tried to move his arms, but couldn't. Something was holding them against his side. He tried to push free, but to no avail. He tried again, but he still could not get free. Finally, he pushed with all his might. His arms went free, and he went forward... straight into a door. With brain-jarring force, his head hit the wooden door, throwing it open and launching him out through the gaping chasm it created.

**_Thud._**

He hit the floor in a jumbled heap. Once again, he could not move, nor could he see. After several seconds of struggling, he worked his arms free. Still unable to see, he removed the thing obscuring his vision. What he saw filled him with suprise, shock, and horror. In his hands he held a pair of underwear. Ladies underwear. "Vat the?"

The sound of a gun's safety mechanism being switched off reached Schrodinger's ears. He looked up and smiled nervously. Intgera Hellsing was standing right in front of him, a pistol clutched tightly in her hand. She didn't say a word, but the look on her face gave a loud and clear message: You are going to die.

**_WHAM!_**

The door to Integra's bedroom flew open without warning. Alucard barged into the room, hiw clothing still charred in some places. "Master!" he exclaimed, "That Nazi kid is here again!" He froze the moment he saw the scene before him. Schrodinger was sprawled out on the floor, wrapped in random articles of women's clothing, and holding a pair of ladies underwear in his hand. Integra was standing in front of him, dressed in her nightgown (which Alucard paid a little too much attention too...), and she was aiming a pistol at Schrodinger's head. "Um..."

"I am well aware of that," Integra's voice was icy enough to freeze lava.

"I think zat this would be a good time to say..." Schrodinger raised a finger into the air, "_AUF WIEDERSHIEN_!" With that, he disappeared. Integra looked over at Alucard, who shrugged.

"Don't blame me. I got blown up..." he spat out a piece of metal. "Urgh, shrapnel."

-----

"Ze mission..." Schrodinger stood before the Major, his head bowed in shame, "Was a failure."

"Oh?" the Major raised an eyebrow.

"I was caught twice. Once by Alucard, and once by Integra Hellsing. I blew up Alucard with a grenade, but he simply regenerated. Integra... well, I just made her angry," he explained.

"Vell, I suppose zat not all missions can turn out a success. Are you sure you didn't learn anything?" the Major sighed.

"Um..." Schrodinger scratched his chin. "I did learn one thing..."

"Und zat vould be?" the Major asked.

"Integra likes the color red," Schrodinger he replied with a smile.

* * *

Moral of the Story: Miscalculations lead to awkward situations.


	20. Chapter 20

Hello, my excellent audience! I took a short break to think on a few things, and I have decided that it is time to end this story! I wonder how many people's hearts just sank... But don't worry! This one is ending, but a new one will be beginning! Two new ones, actually. A Christmas one-shot, and the start of a new ficlet series. Both on Christmas Eve, if my timing works out for once...

So, as a parting gift, I give you the greatest idea ever for a ficlet...

Enjoy.

Also, I found out that in German, you pronounce "w" as a "v". That explains a lot... Anyway, enjoy the show.

* * *

**Debate: Who Does Alucard Prefer?**

"_Gutten tag_!" exclaimed a rather excited Schrodinger into the microphone in his hand, illuminated by a spotlight and surrounded by darkness. "Velcome to another Debate!" A half-hearted chorus of clapping came from the darkness. "Ve have a wery special topic for the evening. The question ist... 'Who does Alucard prefer? Seras Victoria, or Integra Hellsing?' Let's find out!"

Schrodinger's spotlight clicked off, and two others took its place. Seras and Integra where both revealed, standing behind small wooden podiums about 10 feet from each other. Both the women cast strange looks at each other, and then at the surrounding darkness.

"I don't remember signing up for this..." Integra grumbled.

"Um... I don't like where this is going..." Seras frowned.

"Und now... ROUND ONE BEGINS!" Schrodinger leaned out of the darkness behind Integra and yelled for the match to start. Integra jumped slightly.

"Bloody little..." she growled. Integra coughed, and looked over at Seras. "Seras, I do not feel like fighting over something as petty as this. I refuse to compete."

"Me too!" Seras agreed.

"Vell in zat case..." Schrodinger was once again illuminated by a spotlight, his hands holding a clipboard full of papers. "You may both be interested to know zat Seras is more popular among male readers zan Integra," Schrodinger smirked as he read over the files.

"Well of course she is. Look at how she dresses," Integra remarked.

"Huh?" Seras was taken aback.

"Um... I mean..." Integra had obviously meant for that comment to stay in her head.

"Well at least I dress like a woman," Seras replied.

"Oooooh, nice!" Schrodinger chuckled.

"Oh really? Well at least I don't have to show off my body to get Alucard's attention!" Integra smiled smuggly.

"Burned!" Father Anderson's voice yelled out.

"Oh yes, I'm sure cross-dressing gets his attention just as well," Seras snickered.

"Woohoo, go Seras!" Pip cheered.

"It works much better than being a whiny little brat," Integra slammed her hands down on the podium.

"What did you call me?!" Seras slammed her hands down on her podium as well. Of course, her's exploded in a shower of splinters due to her strength. This only aggitated Seras even more. With a snarl, she dove at Integra, flying over Schrodinger's head, and then tackling Integra. The two women then rolled into the darkness, where the sounds of fighting and several insults were heard.

"Cat fight!" Schrodinger laughed as he strolled over to where the two opponents where brawling. "Break it up, break it up..." he told them. The sounds stopped, and the spotlights shifted to their position. Integra had lost her right sleeve, and Seras had lost her throat guard and was sporting a large bruise under her left eye.

"Hmph..." Seras smirked. "She even fights like a man."

Once again, the two women where fighting. Punches where thrown, kicks where launched, and hair was pulled. Finally, after several minutes, Schrodinger shrugged and said, "This round is a tie due to the inability for either woman to gain the uper hand in a one-on-one fight. Which is strange, considering Seras is a vampire capable of ripping a person's skull out and beating them to death with it."

"That doesn't seem physically possible," Fenrir muttered.

"It is..." Schrodinger frowned.

(A/N: Yes, I borrowed that joke from Red Vs. Blue. Don't sue me!)

Both women returned to their podiums, or at least what was left of them. Both of them had obviously taken serious beatings, but they showed no signs of being tired or hurt. "Well, it is time for ROUND TWO TO START!" Schrodinger exclaimed.

Seras and Integra stared at each other, hatrd burning in their eyes. "I have an idea..." Seras suddenly broke the death glare. "Why don't we just ask Alucard who he prefers?"

"That would solve a lot..." Integra muttered.

On cue, Alucard appeared next to Schrodinger. "Aw... No more cat fights?" Alucard smirked.

"Shut up and tell us who you prefer," Seras cut straight to the point.

"Hm..." Alucard gazed back and forth from Seras to Integra. "Let me think..."

"Think very carefully..." Integra glared at him.

"Hm... I'd have to say... I love you both equally," he smiled a toothy grin, and then dissappeared into a puff of smoke.

Integra and Seras stared at each other for several seconds. "Well, that helped..." Integra grumbled.

"ROUND TWO IS A TIE!" Schrodinger suddenly popped up behind Seras and yelled in her ear. This earned him a punch in the face, which sent him sprawling into the darkness. After a few seconds, he walked back into the light and shrugged. "Ahem... time for ROUND THREE!"

Once again, awkward silence as the two women glared at each other. "You know what?" Integra asked at last.

"What?" Seras replied.

"I say we stop trying to kill each other, and kill the guy who's writing this thing!" Integra smirked.

"Good idea!" Seras grinned. Thus, the two women strolled out of the light and into the darkness, on a quest to...

Hold on... Somebody is at the door... Let me go get that...

Uh oh...

* * *

Moral of the Story: The writer of this story got the beating of his life... Ow.

I had no idea how to end the story... So I just broke the fourth wall again. Hm... Well, that is it for this story! I'm sorry if I never got around to your suggestions. I'll remember them if I need to use them...

Expect a new story on December 24. What will it be? I'm not telling! You'll have to wait and find out. But I will tell you this... It will be funny.

I hope.


	21. Chapter 21

Good news, folks. I've decided to revive this story. It did a lot better than my other Hellsing Tales fic, so I decided to make a few new chapters for it. Today's chapter: Valentine's Day!

* * *

**Valentine's Day**

Integra sighed as she took a drag from her cigar. It was February 14th. Valentine's Day. One of her least favorite holiday's ever. That, and the 4th of July. Bloody Americans, and their fireworks... It was bad enough they beat England, but every year Integra had to replace at least 12 windows thanks to her American soldiers. _Bloody Americans..._ she mentally groaned.

She had several things to expect on Valentine's Day, such as Alucard attempting to do what he considered "flirting" with her and the soldiers trying (and usually failing) to go out with the maids. But this year she knew there would be some new things. That bloody fool Pip would most likely attempt to court with Seras, who in turn would be burried beneath a pile of cards and candy from the soldiers. Integra sighed. That was the one thing she hated the most about the stupid holiday.

She never got anything.

Other than the usual "flirting" from Alucard, she never recieved anything on the day of St. Valentine. It was a bit disheartening, actually. Here she was, the leader of a huge organization, and nobody bothered to give her a card, box of chocolates... She'd have been happy with a lone rose petal, in fact. But no, every year, she got nothing. Nadda. Nil. Zip. Goose-egg.

_I wonder why that is..._ she thought to herself. Was it the way she dressed? Sure, a suit wasn't the most appealing attire for a woman to wear, but it wasn't exactly ugly. Okay, maybe it was. But that shouldn't dissuade everyone other than her blood-sucking lacky from trying to get her attention. Was it because she smoked? Not likely. Most of the soldiers went through more cigarettes in a day than she went through cigars a year.

Maybe she wasn't attractive? No, of course not! Why else would Alucard try so much to make her fall in love with him? Of course, he would do the same for any woman. He'd probably fall head over heals for a rock if its name was "Clarise" or something femanine. Integra chuckled at that thought. But still... Why did none of the soldiers give her anything? Maybe she really didn't seem attractive to them...

The door to her office suddenly opened up. Pip Bernadotte walked in, a tray of tea in his hands. "Bonjour! Afternoon tea, Sir Hellsing? Walter told me to bring up to you..."

"Captain Bernadotte," Integra addressed him politely, "Do you find me attractive?"

"Eh?" Pip froze dead in his tracks. "Beg pardon?"

"Do you find me attractive?" Integra repeated the question. "Answer honestly."

_Iz zis a trick question? I don't know what to say..._ Pip nervously thought to himself. If he said yes, would it get him fired? Or would it get him a hot date with the boss? Or would it get him killed by Count Trigger Happy?! "Um..."

"I'm waiting for an answer..." Integra drummed her fingers on her desk. _I'm curious, and its funny to watch him squirm..._

"Oui?" Pip smiled innocently. "I suppose so..."

"You suppose so?" Integra glared over the rims of her glasses.

"Er, what I meant to say was..." Pip took a step back. "You're very beautiful, I mean. Very much, indeed! I hope this isn't a trick question. Don't fire me, please!"

"I'm not going to fire you," Integra waved her hand in the air casually. "I was just curious... Set the tray down on the desk. You may leave."

"Thanks, boss..." Pip nodded as he put down the tray and headed for the door. "See ya!"

"Well, that was entertaining..." Integra took a sip from the glass of tea. _I guess they're too afraid of me to give me gifts..._

Meanwhile, in the hallway outside her office, Alucard was holding Pip off the ground by his throat. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Pip croaked.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't gnaw on your legs like the French frog you are," Alucard growled.

"She asked me! I didn't want to get fired! I'm sorry!" Pip shook his head. "Don't kill meeee!"

"Hmph," Alucard tossed him over his shoulder. "Get out of my sight..."

"No problem," Pip scrambled to his feet and ran off.

"And now to go wish Master a happy Valentine's Day," Alucard flashed his trademark grin.

"Master Alucard," Walter's voice made him pause in front of the door. "Please give these to Integra," Walter handed Alucard a bag of cards, candy, and roses when he turned around. "I hope I can trust you with them..." Walter gave him a suspicious gaze.

"Of course," Alucard grinned. Walter frowned slightly as he walked away. "I'll take good care of them..." With that, Alucard dissappeared.

* * *

Moral of the Story: As long as Alucard is around, Integra will always be a member of the Lonely Heart's Club. 


	22. Chapter 22

Yay, more chapters for this story! I'm having a bit of trouble thinking of some decent ideas, but this idea has been stuck in my head for awhile. I dunno if it'll work out that well, though. So if this chapter sucks, sorry!

* * *

**Parent-Teacher Conference**

"A parent-teacher what?" Alucard looked up at the 16 year old Integra with confusion.

"A parent-teacher conference," she sighed. After her father's death, she had been forced to go to a high-profile school for British loyalty and such. She had been quite a good student, but perhaps too much of one. Her teacher wanted to speak with her parental guardians about her academic abilities. And as fate would have it, Walter was out of town. So that left Integra with her only real guardian: Alucard.

"And what would that be?" Alucard turned his attention back to the magazine in his hand. He had been relaxing in the kitchen when she had suddenly walked in and started complaining about her bloody teacher.

"You have to go have a nice chat with my teacher," Integra groaned.

"Have you been misbehaving?" Alucard arched a brow. He wasn't going to allow his Master to be a troubled teen.

"No, my teacher is just crazy," she growled.

"Do you want me to kill her?" Alucard flashed a fang-filled smile.

"No!" Integra gasped. "I just need you to go with me to school tommorrow and have a nice little talk with my teacher, Mrs. Enderson."

"Anything else?" Alucard sipped from a glass of blood he had sitting on the table.

"Wear something nice. And by nice I mean normal," she pointed at his Fedora hat.

"Define normal to a vampire," Alucard smirked.

"Shut up..." Integra scowled. "I don't need you causing trouble. I can see it now... _Oh yes, he's my Guardian. Yes, he IS dressed rather wierd! Oh, well I suppose it is because he's a _BLOODY VAMPIRE!!!" Integra mocked the possible scenario.

"You act like have an undead protector is a problem..." Alucard shrugged. "But don't worry, I shall keep things civilized."

----------

"Good afternoon, Mrs. Enderson!" Integra chimed happily as she entered the empty classroom at her school. Alucard followed behind her, dressed in a snazzy black suit and sunglasses. With his hair slicked back and an air of authority surrounding him, he looked more like a hitman or something than a teenager's legal guardian. Which, oddly enough, he was kinda both.

"What's so good about it?" an old lady growled from behind her desk. Alucard frowned. He had been hoping for some sort of hot, fresh-out-of-college babe. Instead, it was your cliche crazy old teacher. Unlife sucked for him. "Who's that?" she pointed at Alucard.

"He's my legal guardian," Integra pointed at Alucard.

"I'm a distant relative. The names Vlad," Alucard smiled faintly. Integra rolled her eyes. That stupid servant ALWAYS had to remind her of his roots.

"Hmph, well I'm glad you're here!" Mrs. Enderson scowled. "Integra has been quite the handfull!"

"Handfull?" Alucard looked at Integra. "Are you sure we're talking about the same Integra Hellsing?"

"Yes! Hasn't she told you anything about what's been happening?!" the teacher stared at Alucard.

"No," he looked down at Integra. "What's been happening?"

"Nothing important..." Integra blushed slightly. Alucard frowned. He didn't like where this was going.

"What's been happening?" Alucard looked back at the teacher.

"She's put seven boys in the hospital!" the teacher exclaimed.

"It's not my fault!" Integra tried to defend herself. "They brought it upon themselves!"

"You broke Jeremy's legs! In three places! EACH!" the teacher held up a hospital report full of rather disturbing X-rays.

"And why did you do that?" Alucard looked down at his Master, a slight glimmer of joy twinkling in his eye. He was so proud of his little Master's homicidal tendancies.

"He tried to look up my skirt!" Integra growled.

The twinkle went away. "Beg pardon?"

"That's no reason to inflict so much pain upon a lad that he goes into a coma for four days!" Mrs. Enderson yelled.

"You try walking around in THIS," Integra pointed at her school inform, which consisted of a skirt and white blouse, "All day long, having every guy gawk at you, and not lose your patience! I look like a Catholic school girl! And the bloody blokes here are a bunch of perverts!"

"Violence is not the answer, though!" the teacher exclaimed.

"Well what else should I do? Wear a suit and act like a man?! That'll work just fine, I'll wager!" Integra yelled.

"The boys that are giving you problems," Alucard suddenly spoke up. "Their names?"

"Um..." Integra looked at her Servant. "All of them, essentially..."

"Okay, I'll take care of it..." Alucard walked out of the room calmly. Twelve minutes later, he returned. "Problems solved."

"What did you do?" Mrs. Enderson asked.

"I just went and had a nice little chat with some of the boys in her class," Alucard smiled kindly. "But don't worry, me and Integra will have a long conversation about this when we get home. I'll make sure she causes no more problems. Thank you for your time..." Alucard placed his hands on Integra's shoulders and walked her towards the door. "Good day!"

Integra didn't know what to say. She was dumbfounded by Alucard's cheery mood. What had he talked to the boys about? What could he say to get them to leaver her alone? She decided not to ask about it and just see how tommorrow went.

She found out the next day when 27 boys from her class were absent. It seemed that they had all been checked into a local mental institution. Apparently, they had suddenly become devout believers in vampires and demons, and that by looking at a beautiful woman they would incur the wrath of the Devil himself.

* * *

Moral of the Story: Integra wears suits to keep herself from killing people. Or something like that...

I know. Messed up. But it was still kinda funny... Nah, not really. I like the idea of Alucard coming to school, though. Perhaps he should substitute?


	23. Chapter 23

I don't know why, but the idea of Alucard in a chef's hat just seemed funny to me.

* * *

**Cooking With Hellsing**

"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the Hellsing Cooking Show!" Fenrir Wolfsbane exclaimed to the camera. He was standing in the large kitchen of the Hellsing manor, dressed in his usual Hellsing uniform with an apron over it and chef's hat on. To his left was Alucard. He was wearing an apron over his usual clothes, and a chef's hat had replaced his fedora. He didn't look pleased to be there.

"Why are we doing this?" Alucard grumbled.

"Because we need the money," Fenrir sighed sadly. "Anyway, we're going to teach people how to cook with this show!"

"Do you know how to cook?" Alucard shot a quisical look at his werewolf companion.

"No," Fenrir frowned. "You?"

"Oh yes, I know several hundred excellent recipes for _blood_," Alucard rolled his eyes.

"Oh well, we can learn along with the people at home!" Fenrir smiled cheerily. "Anyway, today's dish we're making is an American favorite."

"Why are we making American food when we're in Britain?" Alucard arched a brow.

"Shut _up_," Fenrir hissed. "Just fix the food..."

"Okay," Alucard shrugged. "One hot dog, coming up."

Alucard reached down behind the counter and started to fish around for something. Fenrir watched from beside him casually, his arms crossed as he leaned against the stove. Alucard let out a shout of victory and held up his arm. Clutched in his hand was a quivering chihuahua. Fenrir jumped at the sight of the poor thing. "Is that a puppy!?" he stared in horror, afraid of what was coming next.

"Yes, move out of the way," Alucard pushed Fenrir away from the oven casually. He opened the door and stuffed the whimpering puppy into the oven. He then cranked up the oven to as hot as it could get. "It should be done in a few minutes..."

"WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?!" Fenrir screamed. He threw the door open and reached into the oven. He then dragged out the poor puppy and clutched it to his chest defensively. "YOU TRIED TO FRY POOR LITTLE PONCHO!!!"

"Hey, the meal is a hot dog, remember?" Alucard growled. "And would you rather me roast _you_?"

"A hot dog isn't a cooked canine, dude!" Fenrir took a few steps back nervously. He then threw open the refridgerator and yanked out a packet of hot dogs. "_These_ are hot dogs!"

Alucard stared at the packet of hot dogs for a few seconds. He tilted his head to the side, studied them closely, and then shrugged. "My mistake."

"Go free, Poncho!" Fenrir put the chihuahua down behind the counter. He then turned his attention back towards Alucard. "Now, lets cook the right thing..."

"Whatever, Chef Pierre..." Alucard grumbled.

Fenrir stared at the packet of hot dogs, then at Alucard. "How do we cook 'em?"

"I dunno..." Alucard shrugged. He grabbed the pack and tossed it into the oven, which was still on max. He slammed the door shut and smiled triumphantly. "That should do the trick."

"Works for me," Fenrir shrugged. He hopped up on the counter and started to twidle his thumbs as they waited for the hot dogs to cook. Alucard leaned against the fridge to rest, arms crossed and eyes closed. They both sat there for a few minutes in silence.

"What's that smell?" Alucard suddenly spoke up.

Fenrir sniffed the air. "Lunch, I suppose."

A few more minutes passed by. "Lunch smells like burnt meat," Alucard grumbled.

"Check the hot dogs..." Fenrir suggested. Alucard walked over to the oven and opened it up. Instantly, a wall of flames lept forth from the oven. Alucard jerked backwards, his head on fire. Fenrir screamed and started to dig through the cabinets above the counters, looking for a fire extinguisher. The flames began to spread, and within seconds the whole oven and most of Alucard had become raging infernos. "This is bad, REALLY BAD!!!" Fenrir yelled.

"Put it out, put it out!" Alucard yelled, flailing his arms wildly.

"INTEGRAAAAAA!!!!" Fenrir resorted to screaming for help. "BOSS, HELP US!!! HELLLLLP!!!!"

"MASTER, WE NEED ASSISTANCE!!!" Alucard yelled.

Twenty minutes later, most of the kitchen was charred and blackened. There were puddles of water everywhere. Several firemen were dragging a fire hose out of the room. Integra was standing in the corner, glaring at Fenrir and Alucard, who were both a tad bit crispy. "What were you _thinking_?" she hissed.

"I was thinking 'OH SNAP FIRE FIRE FIRE!!!!' through most of it..." Fenrir shrugged and smiled innocently.

"And I was thinking-" Alucard was interupted by Integra yelling.

"YOU RUINED THE KITCHEN, AND I HAVE TO PAY THE FIRE DEPARTMENT FOR ALL OF THIS!!! THIS IS NO TIME FOR JOKES!!!" she screamed.

"Well, on the bright side, the viewers know now how not to react to a kitchen fire," Alucard smirked.

"And they learned that you should always keep a fire extinguisher nearby in case of emergencies," Fenrir smiled.

"SAFETY FIRST!!!" Alucard and Fenrir both grinned and gave the thumbs up gesture towards the camera.

"IMBECILES!!!" Integra smacked them both in the head with a frying pan.

* * *

Moral of the Story: Hot dogs explode violently into flames when cooked at 500 degrees Farenheit. 


	24. Chapter 24

"Random Hellsing Tales" is, in my own opinion, the greatest story I have ever written. And I have written a _lot_ of stories. With over 21,000 hits it must be good...

But yeah, here's a little something to show my appreciation for everyone loving this story so much. A new chapter, written with love, care, and insanity.

* * *

**The Sub**

A 16 year old Integra sighed as she waited for the bell to ring and class to begin. She was sitting in her desk, resting her head upon her arms which were crossed over her desk. She kept blowing a few stray strands of platinum blonde hair out of her eyes, but of course it simply fell back down and obstructed her vision. "Bloody hair..." she muttered.

Today wasn't her day. Some Hellsing operatives had gotten munched on the night before, and Alucard had filled her in on _all_ the details. Walter had given her a rather stern scolding for not doing her homework and having a 97 in one of her classes. Apparently, Hellsing women were expected to have perfect scores... Add the fact that she'd barely gotten to school on time, and you'd have the perfect bad day for her. It couldn't have gotten any worse...

**_Rinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng..._**

"Looks like the teach' is late..." a rather gruff looking student pointed out.

"Stupid wanker, prolly got his tie stuck in his car door again or somthin'..." a weasel of a lad chuckled beside him.

"Ugh..." Integra sighed. Chad and Larry. The two biggest idiots in her class, and the biggest jerks as well. She hated them, but they never did anything to her. The last time they'd messed with her, she'd broken their kneecaps. Since then she'd had no problems with them, but they still bugged her.

"Okay, class..." a smooth and swauve voice crooned as the door to the classroom opened, "Time to settle down..."

"Eh?" everyone turned to look at the door.

Into the room strolled a well-dressed man in a black suit, red tie, and sunglasses. His long black hair was slicked back, and he had a sly grin on his face. "Your teacher had a bit of an... accident... and I'm his replacement..."

Integra stared. And stared. And stared. Finally, she raised her hand and asked "Excuse me sir, but what did you say your name was?"

"My name?" he leaned forward slighty and looked over the brim of his glasses with a pair of dark brown, almost pitch black, eyes. "It's Allen. Allen Card."

"Right..." Integra nodded, feeling her spirit sink. "Just checking..."

_Don't worry, Master..._ the familiar voice of Alucard crooned inside of her head. _I'm just going to be here for a few days..._

_Where is Mr. Maloney?_ Integra thought in response.

_Sick._

_I won't ask questions..._

---

The class went on as it normally would. Mr. Card taught them some math and history, and nobody caused in problems. At least not at first. But eventually a problem arose in the shape a of a paper airplane. It flew up from the back of the class while Mr. Card was writting something on the chalk board. It zoomed through the air and nailed him in the back of the head. Instantly everyone in the class began to laugh, save Integra. She sank down into her desk, frightened of what Alucard might do. For all she knew, he might have had the Cassul tucked away in that suit...

But Mr. Card didn't respond. In fact, he kept on writting. A few minutes later, once the laughter had died down, another plane zoomed up and hit him in the small of his back. Another wave of laughter exploded, but he still didn't respond. Finally, another paper airplane came flying at him. But just as it was about to hit him in the head, Mr. Card reached behind him and crushed it in his hand. "Alright!" he suddenly spun about, his expression the perfect example of P.O.ed. "WHO THREW THIS?!"

"Me..." some guy in the back of the room raised his hand.

Mr. Card calmly walked to the back of the room and looked down at the teen, who was sitting in a "yeah, I'm bad..." manner and had a sly smirk plastered on his face. "You threw this?" Mr. Card held up the crumpled airplane.

"Yeah," the teen smirked. "Whatcha gonna do about it, pops?"

Mr. Card stared at the teen, and the teen stared at him. They continued to stare, neither of them blinking or moving a muscle for several minutes. Finally, the teens cheek stared to twitch, and he began to drool. Mr. Card then spun about on his heels and walked back to the front of the class. "Back to our lesson..." he stated casually.

"Wow..." a chorus of whispers filled the room. "He psyched him out!"

"I think he did a lot more than that..." Integra muttered sadly.

_He'll be better in a year..._ Alucard chuckled.

**_Riiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggg..._**

"Time for lunch!" Mr. Card exclaimed. The entire class instantly raced out the door, leaving stray papers fluttering in the wind and a perplexed look on his face. "Did I scare them that bad?"

"No..." Integra shook her head as she calmly got up from her desk. "They're just hungry... Alucard..."

"Yes, Master?" Mr. Card grinned.

"WHERE ARE YOU HERE, YOU BLOODY FOOL!?" Integra screamed at the top of her lungs.

"Because I was curious about what this "school" thing is like..." he replied. "Oh, and I wanted to make sure nobody tried anything..."

"I can take care of myself..." she growled.

"I know," Alucard grinned. "But I'm tired of all these stupid conferences I keep being called to. Every three days you break another guy's nose. I'm tired of it..." The trademark grin of the No Life King spread across Alucard's face. "And I want to teach them a lesson they shall never forget."

"Fine..." Integra sighed. "Just don't kill them..."

"Death might be better..." Alucard replied. He then started to cackle as he headed out the door.

"There's no dealing with him when he gets like this..." Integra groaned as she followed him.

END OF PART 1

* * *

Yes, that was only Part One! I'll write the next one when I get to feeling like it. Who knows, maybe if enough people like it I'll make it a full fic... 

REVIEW PLEASE!!!!!!


	25. Chapter 25

Alucard's getting his own class. In a few days you can expect to see a full fic about Alucard teaching Integra's class. The title of it shall be...

The Substitute from Hell

The 9th Circle of Hell, to be exact...

Ahem... anyway...

Here's a few requests I never got around to writing. Sorry for the time...

* * *

**Stranger Safety**

"Hello, children!" Seras Victoria greeted the crowd of children in front of her. She was in an auditorium, up on stage in front of a large red curtain. "Are you ready to learn a valuable life lesson?"

"..." the children stared at her.

The Hellsing Organization and Section XIII had been trying to avoid conflict and form a somewhat decent relationship. One of their ideas: Teaching young children valuable life lessons. Sure enough, sitting in front of Seras was a collection of orphans cared for by Father Alexander Anderson, as well as the children of many Wild Geese mercenaries. "Today, we're going to talk about Stranger Safety!" Seras smiled happily.

"Yay?" a few of the kids half-heartedly cheered.

"YOU SUCK, GET OFF THE STAGE!!!" one kid yelled.

"I hate children..." Seras sighed.

"Just get on with it..." Alucard whispered from behind a curtain.

"Right..." she nodded. "Okay children, watch this and see what happens!"

The curtain rose, revealing Alucard and Father Anderson. Alucard was in his young girl form (hah hah Girlycard) and Father anderson was in his normal priest outfit, sans cossack. "Integra had better make this worth my while..." Alucard muttered under his/her breath.

"Why do I have ta be tha pedophile?" Anderson sighed. "This is stereotyping!"

"Get on with it!" Seras hissed.

"Watch it..." Anderson shot her a glare which made her turn pale(er).

"OH LOOK AT ME!!!" Alucard suddenly belted out in a cheesy manner. "I'M JUST AN INNOCENT LITTLE GIRL!!! MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS!!!"

"What a card..." Seras muttered.

"Urgh..." Anderson grunted. _How did I get roped inta this? _"WHY HELLO THERE LITTLE GIRL!!! I AM A STRANGER!!!"

"MY MOMMY SAYS I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK TO STRANGERS!!!" Alucard yelled. "BYE!!!" And with that, he ran away and the curtain fell on the stage.

"Hurray?" a few kids clapped.

"Never, ever, EVER talk to strangers, children!" Seras wagged her finger in a warning manner. "Now, what do you do if a stranger tries to take you with him?"

"To where?" a little girl asked.

"Uh..." Seras tried to think of an answer.

"Cough cough Hell..." Alucard coughed behind the curtain.

"Shut up!" Seras hissed. "Um... Anywhere! His car! His house! Anywhere you aren't supposed to be! Now, what do you do if he tries to take you with him to any place you aren't supposed to be?"

"Scream?" one kid suggested.

"Yell for help?" another kid asked.

"Kick him in the bad place?" another kid shrugged.

"I like that idea..." Alucard chuckled.

"Um... All of those are very good suggestions!" Seras smiled. "Kick and scream! Cry for help! Try to run away! Now, lets how this advice might come in handy..."

The curtain rose on Alucard (Girlycard hah hah) and Anderson again. "HELLO, LITTLE GIRL!!! COME WITH ME!!! I HAVE CANDY!!!"

"MY MOMMY SAYS I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO GO PLACES WITH STRANGERS!!!" Alucard belted out.

"COME WITH ME ANYWAY!!!" Anderson exclaimed. He reached out to grab Alucard, as had been rehearsed, but then Alucard decided to pull something that wasn't in the script. To be exact, he pulled a gun.

"BACK OFF!!!" Alucard yelled. "BACK OFF OR YOUR BRAINS ARE GOING TO BECOME WALL DECORATIONS!!!"

"WIT DO YE THINK YAR DOIN'?!" Anderson screamed.

"ALUCARD, NO KID IS GOING TO HAVE A GUN ON THEM!!!" Seras screamed angrilly.

"I do!" one of the Wild Geese kids pulled a gun from his pocket. "My daddy says to use it if a stranger tries to talk to me, touch me, or take me anywhere!"

"Yeah, me to!" another little boy pulled a pistol out as well.

"Me to!" a little girl held up a gun as well.

"My daddy just gave me a knife..." one kid sighed.

"Wit do ye Protestants teach yer children?" Anderson shook his head in disgust.

"Quite frankly, I'm not sure if some of those mercenaries have souls..." Alucard muttered as the curtain fell again.

"Your one to talk..." Seras rolled her eyes. She then turned her attention back to the kids. "ANYWAY!!! Well, that raps that bit up, children! Now, what do you do if the stranger tells you something?"

"Like what?" one kid asked.

"Like... he has candy! Or he is looking for a puppy! Or he needs to take you to your parents!" Seras explained.

"Um..." the children tried to think.

"Don't believe him!" Seras exclaimed. "Strangers are liars! They'll try to get you to believe anything! Now, lets see what happens now!" As the curtain rose, Seras muttered something under her breath. "Although I know it won't be good..."

"I'M A LITTLE GIRL, MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS!!!" Alucard screamed out again.

"HELLO LITTLE GIRL!!! I AM A STRANGER, AND I HAVE LOST MY PUPPY!!! WILL YOU HELP ME FIND IT?!?!" Anderson yelled.

"IS THAT IT OVER THERE?!?!" Alucard pointed.

"Huh?" Anderson looked over his shoulder just as a large black dog lept from off-stage and tackled him. "WIT THA?!"

"DOGGIE!!!" the children all cheered.

"SIC 'IM, BOY!!!" Alucard cackled. The fact that he was still in Girlycard form made it even scarrier.

"IS THAT BASKERVILLE?!" Seras stared in horror as the large black dog with red eyes mauled Anderson.

"THAT. IS. E. NOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Anderson howled as he threw the dog off of him. "OKAY, CHILDREN!!! TIME FOR A NEW LESSON!!! WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE A VAMPIRE?!"

"Uh oh..." Seras knew where this was going.

"KILL IT!!!" all of the Catholic orphans bloodthirstily cheered.

"EXACTLY!!!" Anderson screamed. He then held out his arms and flexed his hands. Instantly, bayonets shot out of his sleeves and into his hands. "NOW WATCH AND LEARN, CHILDREN!!!" And with that, Anderson charged at Alucard wit ha handfull of bayonets.

"YES, WATCH AND LEARN HOW POWERFULL WE CREATURES OF THE NIGHT ARE!!!!" Alucard cackled as he shape-shifted into his normal form and pulled out both of his guns.

"YAAAAAAAAAY!!!!" all of the children cheered.

"Well, at least they're learning something..." Seras sighed as the two warriors began to fight.

---

"Congratulations..." Integra glared at Alucard, who had several bayonets sticking out of his face, and at Seras, who was covered in bruises. "You screwed up a very, _very _simple assignment."

"The children learned a few things, at least..." Alucard shrugged.

"Like what?" Integra hissed.

"They learned a lesson in teamwork when they rushed the stage and dog piled on Seras..." Alucard smirked.

"They were kids... kids! What was I going to do?!" Seras growled.

"Eat them? Kill them? Subjugate them and make them your slaves? I dunno, anything! Just don't sit there!" Alucard growled. "Your a vampire! Act like one!"

"Seras..." Integra turned to the Draculina. "Would you like a vacation?"

"Huh?!" Seras stared at her boss.

"You handled the situation quite nicely, so I'm going to allow you a break from missions, should you accept it..." Integra explained.

"Um... thank you!" Seras grinned.

"What?!" Alucard growled. "What about me?!"

"Just be glad I don't shoot you with a hollow-point silver bullet for the stunt you pulled..." Integra grumbled.

"Hah, like that would do anything..." Alucard smirked.

It only took one and a half seconds for Integra to reach under her desk, grab a pistol, and blow most of Alucard's face off of his skull.

* * *

Moral of the Story: Don't talk to strangers, or Integra when she's angry.

Review, pleeeeease!


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